Man what a rough day. At one point I was pretty much lying on the ground just feeling paralyzed by everything. Don’t know if it’s the caffeine withdrawal, I’m thinking it might be. But if you’ve ever had a moment where it feels like your body can’t take anymore and your mind still feels like it has to do shit, that’s where I was at. Had to take about an hour and just really focus on calming my body down. Feels like the sub influence was hitting my mind to get stuff done, but my body was unresponsive.
During that relaxation session I was thinking about how I’ve been gearing up to face the assholes of the world. And I was getting super angry about people in authority who disrespected me in the past and how I took all of it. Came to realize I basically have a stamp on my head that says “please manipulate me”. Do I have a right to get angry at these people? Yes. But more importantly I do this to myself by not standing up for myself. I thought of Neville Goddard’s statement “everyone is you pushed out”. Basically the way people respond or treat you is a direct reflection of yourself. So if you find yourself attracting manipulators or people that disrespect you, on some level you expect that to happen to you and people gravitate to that like a moth to a flame.
The goal now is to break that subconscious association with being a target or expecting that from people. This has been a lifelong pattern for me. Starting when I was a kid and got asked why I was so quiet with people judging my character. My identity has been the one where I consistently get shit on and questioned by other people. Not gonna live with that anymore. Not gonna subconsciously think I deserve that or that it’s to be expected in my life.