StarkQ and Ultimate Artist


#102

Had a bunch of coffee today. Gonna regret this later, I’m sure of it. Seems like the only way I can really focus nowadays at work is caffeinating myself. Keeps me going when it feels like the problems are mind numbingly boring. This is just further proof I’m in the wrong area for myself. My brain isn’t meant for this routine. It needs to explore, create, express. Don’t know why I always beat myself up about it. Is music practical? Not really, but I don’t care. You know what also isn’t practical? Sitting for 8 hours a day doing busy work that makes someone else money.

Blah. Gotta detach from this influence that hangs on me still. The one that makes me compare how I live my life to others and feel like I’m doing something wrong.


#103

Quit the coffee cold turkey starting yesterday. It was only a cup a day, but goddamn do I feel like shit. I’m gonna guess I was frying my nervous system with it, but the constant consumption masked it. Now I’m feeling it 100% and need to wait for my body to reach equilibrium again.

Massive depression hitting me now. Looking at my output for my music and disappointed that I’m not finishing stuff enough. Doubts about how I’m gonna live my life in a way that doesn’t just feel like a massive grind. Gone from I can do this to I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or if I’ll ever find what I’m looking for in life.

Looking at this now, I think I was using coffee as a mask because I didn’t want to deal with what’s being brought up. I don’t know what the recommendations are for these subs, but in my case I think the caffeine might have been a form of reconciliation for me.


#104

Had an urge to read a book I never finished. The following quote stuck out to me.

Without a concrete vision of where you want your life to go, it becomes much harder to rip yourself away from your existing lifestyle, confront fear and insecurity and emerge from your cocoon.

If that ain’t the truth I don’t know what is. So I need to work more on solidifying a plan for myself. It’s probably more that I’m afraid than not knowing what to do with my life. It’s the lack of commitment to something.


#105

Man what a rough day. At one point I was pretty much lying on the ground just feeling paralyzed by everything. Don’t know if it’s the caffeine withdrawal, I’m thinking it might be. But if you’ve ever had a moment where it feels like your body can’t take anymore and your mind still feels like it has to do shit, that’s where I was at. Had to take about an hour and just really focus on calming my body down. Feels like the sub influence was hitting my mind to get stuff done, but my body was unresponsive.

During that relaxation session I was thinking about how I’ve been gearing up to face the assholes of the world. And I was getting super angry about people in authority who disrespected me in the past and how I took all of it. Came to realize I basically have a stamp on my head that says “please manipulate me”. Do I have a right to get angry at these people? Yes. But more importantly I do this to myself by not standing up for myself. I thought of Neville Goddard’s statement “everyone is you pushed out”. Basically the way people respond or treat you is a direct reflection of yourself. So if you find yourself attracting manipulators or people that disrespect you, on some level you expect that to happen to you and people gravitate to that like a moth to a flame.

The goal now is to break that subconscious association with being a target or expecting that from people. This has been a lifelong pattern for me. Starting when I was a kid and got asked why I was so quiet with people judging my character. My identity has been the one where I consistently get shit on and questioned by other people. Not gonna live with that anymore. Not gonna subconsciously think I deserve that or that it’s to be expected in my life.


#106

Taking today off as well. I’ve been thinking about why it’s so hard for me to stay committed to a goal. Every loa or manifesting guide says to visualize and feel what you want, feel happy for it or good about it. I think I have some serious blocks because I can’t even get to that step. Whenever I try to visualize something good for myself, there’s this feeling of undeservingness that pushes it back. I actually feel worse attempting to feel good things.

I can’t tell sometimes if I’m just stuck in a spiral of negativity or if I need to pass through this stuff and get to a point where I don’t even think about it. To put it more simply, am I not trying hard enough to change this? Or is this part of the process and I have to ride it out? One of my biggest issues throughout life when I went through self help hell and read tons of books, nothing ever worked for me. Meditating and mindfulness was about it, but even that had its limits. So it gets to a point where I think to myself “seriously what the fuck am I doing wrong that everyone else is turning their lives around with this stuff and I still have issues”. Annoying all around.


#107

So I’m feeling like I’m gonna need tomorrow off as well. Idk, I kind of want to see how long it takes for my mind to feel ready to listen to my stack again. Thinking maybe I’ll drop ultimate artist from my stack for now. Q has been hard for me to calibrate to, something just feels off about it for me, looking at it now I’m actually doing the reverse of what I should be doing at times. And it feels like I’m dragging around a boulder and just having trouble getting stuff done in general.

@SaintSovereign got a question for you if you’re around to answer. If I drop UA, would starkQ be enough to cover the music stuff for myself? I originally combined these for a synergistic effect, but I’m beginning to suspect it might be too much for me to handle. I’m not sure how heavy aegis is either, but I’m keeping that around regardless. I’m doing every other day with my loops and once each, so I’m not going particularly heavy here. Any thoughts?


#108

Stark CAN handle it, but UA is much more focused on that goal. It’d be best if you can somehow get them to work together. Try running StarkQ three days a week and UA on the other three days.