This may or may not be practically helpful right now, but:
I think you do not realize how powerful you are. And lest I sound too zen-like, I underestimate my own power (yes, like most so-called advice this is a projection of my own experiences. I’m just saying it because I think it may also apply to you).
When you do actually move to a better job, I imagine that it will be anti-climactically easy.
Intellect-heavy people tend to have this pattern, I think. Also, introverty, highly-sensitive people. Also, neuroticky (haha, I’m creating new adjectives) people.
We fetishize and aggrandize action-taking, even simple action-taking,until it seems like every change will require the effort of climbing Mt. Everest.
Some things really will be challenging. But some of the things we imagine will be, won’t be.
And now time for the context-appropriate yarn:
When I was 15 or so, I used to tutor two little daughters of our family friends. I’d ride my bike over to their place or their mom would pick me up. They had a very big dog that looked kind of like this:
It was pretty loud and excitable. In order to not have it run at me and jump all over me, the mom had a very simple trick: She’d take a little string of thread. and just lay it across the doorway. No gate. No door. Just a line of thread on the floor.
She told me, ‘When he was a puppy he was running and playing and jumped onto a counter top. Then he got tangled in that thread and slipped off the edge. He was dangling and felt so scared. We got him untangled and sorted with no problem. But ever since then, he always avoids that bit of thread.’
So this huge dog wouldn’t cross the bit of thread on the floor. It’s actually a true story.
Anyway, I think the same thing happens to us.