StarkQ and Ultimate Artist


#142

Man this is spot on. The thread example made me laugh, but at the same time really put into perspective how badly I hold myself back. As you said, it’s the power thing. I just don’t know why I have so much trouble embracing it. It’s so intangible, so abstract, and I just took it as the truth for years. And it just clings to me.

I’m just glad I’ve encountered other people like you with similar difficulties. I constantly feel as if I’ve done something wrong. I think the reality of it is there’s definitely a combination of traits that make it harder to overcome this stuff. And short of subliminals I’ve yet to find anyone who has a 100% fool proof answer. Which leads me to believe there’s still a lot people overlook when it comes to growth and change in certain individuals and it’s not as linear as one would expect.

It I’m 100% honest I know everyone struggles and it’s not a competition. But that internal friction of wanting to change so bad and do something different with life, but then almost watching like a bystander as your life unfolds in a way you don’t want hurts a lot.


#143

This book I’m reading is really good. It’s funny how I’ve discovered these concepts on my own at one point. Having it in a cohesive format outlined like a plan though helps a ton. Some of the advice is incredibly simple, but to me the way it’s shifting my relationship with my thoughts is taking a huge weight off my shoulders.

For example one question the author recommends asking yourself, is this thought helpful? That’s it. As someone who’s always debating thoughts, trying to uncover what’s true or not, where it came from, how to remove it, etc. It just stops a lot of that agonizing.

Underlying it all though is my need for control. I thought if I could control my thoughts and emotions better my life would improve. But it’s been the opposite. Learning to allow them all, but also understanding I don’t have to believe them or tie any truth to them is powerful. I didn’t realize how much fear I had surrounding them or anxiety. Ultimately I believe using the subliminals will eventually weed out those undesirable beliefs I may hold, but until they do it’s better not to fight but dis-identify until the new state is strengthened enough. It’s like having a plan of action for both sides. Whereas before I was incredibly dependent on the subconscious angle and my conscious mind was an absolute mess. Getting the conscious chaos under control feels like it will allow space for the influence of the subconscious to surface better.


#144

I believe that there’s a strength and an intellectual incisiveness in the way that you engage these things. It’s building up certain capacities and intelligences that will continue to stay with you and to serve you even after these particular issues are resolved/transcended.

It’s an admirable character trait to me that you continue to wrangle and to engage through most circumstances. Chances are that you often take that for granted or are even annoyed by it. But people who do this are, I suspect, some of the teachers of the world. There’s a hunger to not just escape but to understand.

With this quality it is basically inevitable that you will have something to say, something valuable to offer about the experiences and the challenges through which you have navigated.

It’s sort of a long-term, time-released super-power: the capacity to, over time, learn, understand, and generate insight.

The alternative is just as common or maybe much more common: pass through an issue, survive it, and forget all about it. Nothing wrong with that either.


#145

Really appreciate it man. I appreciate all your posts. They help me keep perspective on myself when I’m feeling down. I unfortunately a lot of the time don’t recognize these things in myself. Maybe it’s because I’m not surrounded by it in my immediate reality. But I know it’s building internally. But with my recent dive into ACT I’m seeing how the old stories cloud my perspective. The changes and growth are there, it’s just a matter of really embracing them.


#146

Bought a new virtual synth. It’s 100% modular which is super intimidating, but the sound on it is amazing. I’m doing my best to learn more and start building my own patches. It’s a new thing and when I start new things I tend to get anxious.

I find myself frequently struggling to get stuff done despite wanting to. But that’s been my whole life and I don’t know what it is. I still haven’t learned piano, haven’t gone over these music theory courses, improved my daw workflow, and haven’t done enough sound design for my music. Obviously I do this to myself, but why? If it brings me closer to my goals shouldn’t I be eager to learn and improve vs being afraid? Something just feels harder than it should to stay committed. Maybe it’s because my job just has me burned out and I’m not making enough money there to feel comfortable with my financial situation.

Even so, those are my interpretation of events in my life. I should be able to prevent those from effecting me. But ya know, fuck it. They do, thats the reality of this and it’s what I do with that awareness vs wishing I was invincible.


#147

Been taking a bit of a break while I wait for my custom Q to get here. It’s been about 3 days now not listening to anything. It’s given me some insight on some stuff.

I’ve realized that some of the time listening to the subliminals it triggers a freeze response in me. And sometimes I don’t even realize it. Learning more about ACT has been helping, but I think a somatic experiencing guide might be beneficial for me as well. But the main improvement I have to make is recognizing these freeze states and pulling myself out of them. They range from short term such as having an event trigger me at work and I have to calm myself when I have a minute. To longer more subtle such as having a whole week where I feel I can’t get anything done because I feel “stuck”. My mistake has always been trying to think myself out of what is essentially a body response. More specifically I’d deepen the freeze response by dissociating further. And when my life feels particularly overwhelming and impossible I go even deeper, I stop doing productive things, which consequently makes me feel worse and makes my life worse, which drives me further into the dissociation.

My mistake in the past is trying to counter the dissociation by getting into a more focused fight type state. But then it turned into a back and forth of huge instability. Learning to calm my body, but at the same time face the things that cause these freeze responses are important. Otherwise I’m just fighting through, then later checking out due to the delayed onset of what I went through. Basically if I’m in a hyper aroused state, more arousal isn’t gonna snap me out of it, if anything it will make it worse.


#148

One course. It’s expensive, but it’s awesome. Took my producing game to a new level: https://www.pianoforproducers.com/


#149

Oh damn this looks good. I’ll have to grab this when I have the money. How long did it take before you felt it improved your production? The sales pitch hits close to home for me, too close lol. I’m wary of too good to be true stuff, I’ve been burned on a lot of courses that promise the world but don’t really deliver.


#150

Literally, the first few lessons. I knew nothing about music theory at all, though. He explained it in a way that just makes sense.


#151

I’ve studied a bit of music theory. I couldn’t get a lot to stick, so maybe this will work better. He’s got a free lesson so I’ll see if I vibe with his teaching style. That can usually make or break it for me.


#152

I know you’ve moved on to your custom sub, but this statement is truer now than ever. Being yourself takes guts despite the society’s pressures. Finding that inner gem and using that to guide you is the real treasure chest, not some muscle flexing peacocking display for approval and attention crumbs.