I’m not planning on getting a custom anytime soon @RVconsultant. I was just fleshing out a fantasy.
I’m kind of scared to write. My subconscious did a number on me today, a rest day.
I’m going to write now, sharing what I experienced.
I didn’t leave my place until around 430PM, and all I had to do was laundry. Some old untouched fears were felt rising while going to the laundromat. And I chose not to dodge them using another sub. I felt a part of me was feeling pushed out of his comfort zone, and I broke into tears once when I realized part of me was very scared. I felt it.
One thing (I’m not sure how it’s connected) is a part of me wanted to feel rested and loved around family. I thought of calling my sister–but thought it too weird. My desire was for me to be seen and loved in a family of my own–a wife and child(ren?). A family I pursued. To be honest, this is a very new conscious thought for me, but it feels like I’ve wanted, thought, and planned on it for a while in my subconscious. I think it just came forward today.
After putting my laundry in, I took a good 30 minute walk. It was relieving physically, and I’m much more aware of physical tension in my body, as I felt some. I felt like I’ve grown accustomed to wearing this backpack of emotional baggage, and in my mind’s eye I saw myself wearing it. While viewing this in my mind, I questioned myself to see why I was holding onto this stuff and making it “normal”. I was non-accusing of myself; I wished to explore things I’ve never even considered.
Why do I hold onto this stuff? I realized it’s much more of my identity than anything else. Others have identified me as a baggage wearer, but…DR is consistently, though gently, asking me to take it off. I don’t see myself as an independent person, but rather interdependent. My own perceptions of myself seemed almost completely devoid of self-confidence and self-motivated ambition. I’ve gotten most of my emotional filling by giving something away (time, money, etc.) and people responding. It sounds cold, but I rely on others to fill my cup. A thought came forth: “it’s worked in the past, hasn’t it?”
And what I still feel is DR instructing me to be responsible for myself. I’m slowly feeling the pain of not loving myself, and damn, this has hurt the most today. I’ve wanted to hide from this today, and had I not had laundry to do, I’d have hid on YT, the forum here, or any place where activity didn’t require responsibility.
The pain of avoiding myself is where I’m at. It scares me, but I know I’ve dodged a lot of life’s blessings and challenges by avoiding it. To me, I’m making progress. Owning and healing this is monumental.