There’s a lot of value in those words @Davisnwc. DR stirs up my perceptions of myself (most have been fear and shame-based) and is allowing me to see clearly. This is a gift in my life. Plus, I have choice in my life’s direction. That’s infinitely powerful.
Thank you for speaking up @COWolfe. I agree with you, except on one part. DR is pulling me away from valuing everybody’s opinion greater than my own. I find it to do that severing of unhelpful thinking patterns first, and comparison isn’t even a factor to have to deal with. I am very much enjoying this.
It makes the growth so much easier to deal with
I agree. There is a very natural sense of detachment I get with DR. It’s quite brilliant.
Ok, turning on a loop now. Needing to be honest with myself.
I worked alone delivering stuff to customers, and I didn’t fizzle out energywise like I’ve done on many afternoons driving.
One big change I’ve realized today is that my first attention is not on escaping at the end of the day. I’ve used subs in the past as a vehicle to escape life, but today I realized…I’ve not been doing this. I did it last week and weeks and years before, but it’s not needed for some reason.
And I got in my van to leave, and I felt and encouraged old feelings to come out–my “I wanna escape” feelings–but (I’m still feeling something now), but I wanted to come home and feel safe while listening to St1 masked.
I said “be honest with myself”, and I’ve actually invited these old habitual negative feelings to come up. I’m wishing to have them challenged and changed by DR, as some have been dissipating.
I’ve had shame of those old feelings, the self-pitying, “wishing to escape from responsibility” kind of feelings. I hear some guys being honestly brave running Kahn, Emperor, or other masculine subs, and I’ve seriously detached from said individuals telling about their lives. I’ve compared myself, and I always felt less than.
I just talked from my head. I’m feeling my heart seeking something, like forgiveness of myself. I judge myself harshly when I compare. Every time I compare myself to others–I throw that guilt and shame at myself.
I felt it too, even writing that. Tears broke through.
I’m wishing and trying to find myself today, the real me inside. (Not sure if this is normal)
And that’s a bad thing how?
@JCast, your reply was off. Read the context.
Day 30. Feeling tired this morning, and will start St2 Monday. I’ll admit I’m feeling vulnerable, yet my resistant self (normally at 100%) is not as active. I’ve noticed each day that inner battle between holding back fearfully vs. being motivated and desiring to move forward has lessened both in the amount of time I battle, and in its intensity.
I’ve shared in recent weeks how I’ve woken up and felt ill-willed about playing a loop. I pay attention now, and I’ve seen it lessen as days have passed. I felt it this morning, and I tried holding on to it, but it quickly faded. DR is more powerful than my old ingrained beliefs, and confronting them and holding my ground is working.
Last thing, and I’ve been avoiding this. I’m seeing my fears of males showing up here. @raphael replied yesterday, I’ve been thinking on it, but fears have remained. It’s definitely related to memories of mine, as I see him as younger than I, and that instantly brings me back to my own childhood and my brother. It freezes me up. Compare that with replying to @JCast, @COWolfe, or @Davisnwc, who I all know to around my own age, and it’s not as intimidating.
I bring this up for myself since avoiding these fears keeps them in place. Isolating from everybody is a unhappy existence. I’m trying to confront these fears since I don’t want them. I’m feeling ready to face what I’ve hidden from since childhood.
Am 39, bro. Not so young. Also have an eye condition which my doctors say will make me go blind. Taking stem cell treatment often but which just make me see everything like looking through a closed window with holes in it. Wears hearing aids which are okay for one-to-one conversations but suck in social settings. So I can relate with the feelings you have. I feel am at a disadvantage compared to many on the forum. Can’t even overcome health issues that most people take for granted. Sometimes it gets me down but am trying to rise up each time. And so will you. Hugs
Bro hugs man… You got this. Your mind is a lot more powerful, and I know you know this to be true. Thing is, with all these issues, you still managed to kick so much @ss in this life. You’re a champ. I’m not young either and yet I have yet to accomplish anything of note. I’m still a nowhere man, you on the other hand have many accomplishments to be proud of. That’s moxie right there.
@subliminalguy I understand how you’re feeling, and I know it takes a lot for you to share these inner most thoughts with us. I feel the same. A part of me feels I will be judged for the nonsense I’m writing on my journal, but it doesn’t matter, I write it for me, so I could see my evolution, and not to impress anyone else. If it was my aim, I’ll write how I can’t stand the stereo of my brand new Ferrari, or my mansion in the Bahamas is kind of dusty so I don’t like it anymore, or my harem needs more bodyguards (not true btw, not yet). It’s not helping anyone, most specially me.
I harp about this here but we all have a tremendous advantage. When I said, I think you’ll be formidable in no time, I meant it. We are all on that path, our victory is inevitable.
You know I noticed DR is making me reflect a lot more than I thought. When Voytek shared his trauma yesterday, I was reminded of something and I almost shared some of mine, but it’s a downer, there’s no triumph in that story and it wouldn’t help him so I refrained. I do get flashes of random memories, some of them benign but I am surprised with what my mind is digging up.
Get a room
There there now James
I had thought you were younger since you still lived with your parents, and in the US, it’s common. I’d have never guessed your age.
No subs this weekend; starting St2 Monday
I wondered if I’d feel uncomfortable feelings today, and I have. Rest days often invite unprocessed or unexecuted scripting to begin.
I’ve felt low all day, like I’m wanting to hide. I’m wondering “hide from what?”
First reply is the scripted response of giving in to other’s demands or wishes–and I’m uncomfortable facing this, but I need to. I often blame people (instantly) for… for me not taking responsibility for me. It’s an often used strategy to put it all in someone else’s court. I can’t do that comfortably. I feel inside like a crying kid needs attention, and I’ve ignored him often. Mostly since I’ve had no clue what to do. I’ve rarely seen loving fathers with children, and I am stuck feeling like I won’t be there for…me. It’s fucked up, but it’s what I’ve believed for a long time. Like I’ve submitted to it while simultaneously acting like I was moving forward.
Gotta stop shitting on myself.
I just am not sure how to love me like a father would. I didn’t grow up with one. I still have this wall up around my heart when relating to men, which explains why I’ve definitely not sustained deep relationships with any, and moreso since COVID. DR was active with my sister; how will change show with men?
I need some change. It will require me to open my heart more.
2 good noticeable changes did come up with women in the last 24 hours.
A new female employee started with my company recently, and she and I worked together yesterday. She’s not extremely sexy to me (she’s got a toothpick build), but she was very comfortable to talk with. In the afternoon, I began sharing some thoughts related to what she’d been sharing on, and it was very easy to wander around different subjects comfortably. What was striking to me was we had a lot of similar values. I even found out she is pursuing a bachelor’s in psychology (I did the same), and that allowed me to question some thoughts and unspoken judgments I’ve held towards both groups and governments in power. It was very unstressful talking with her. Nothing romantic thus far. But she had my attention due to her mature and thought out responses. She wasn’t codependent with me, and I was relaxed around her.
And the 2nd thing happened with my sister. She had invited me over to make fudge and have dinner today, but I didn’t want to go (last night I’d said I’d come over today). Plus–and this is big for me–I felt that inner me needing attention, mostly due to DR executing. I watched an emotional movie today, I cried a bit while watching it, and I wanted to not put a shield up around my sister, so I declined visiting. I wasn’t in “hate and hiding”. I just wished to feel safe in my own skin. I feel good about that.
I think I write more when I’m wanting to face something. I see that I want to do this. I’m desiring some growth or breakthrough with…men? Or women? Can it be both? I’m wanting to break through something, and it feels monumental–yet doable.
I’m the resident old guy at 52
2nd rest day
I just was reading through my custom Regen journal, and I noticed something.
I realized I was more social on and off the forum while running it, and more interactive here. Like I felt like I was getting my social abilities back–or losing my fears of it.
My thinking lately. My mind has been trying to find a “known” place to stay in. My last posts have been increasingly isolating for myself. When I feel afraid, I often isolate so I can practice putting my shields down.
—I’m scared (I’m not using old norms), but trying to be social as well. So, I’ll end up talking myself into an emotional rabbit hole (since noone goes with me). I end up feeling old shame, looking for other people to help me out. But…I end up fearing interacting with people trying to help.
Is this validation I’m seeking? Yes. Seeking validation. And noone can truly give that to me, except for me.
Edit: I am seeking a subliminal solution knowing our mindset steers us constantly. Looking forward to St2 tomorrow, plus the whole month long.
@subliminalguy It’s a bit hilarious that you mention wanting to be more social while I find myself going the other way. I think some people find my silence unnerving but if I don’t have anything to say or don’t want to what’s the point? My silence is also to avoid engaging or being engaged by people that are just going to say the same shit they always say
ok, I’ll reword it for clarity. I’m seeking to have more connections with people vs. just socializing and saying empty things. Connection has felt important to me recently.
And I felt fear while writing that. Fear is battling with this growing desire to connect with people. Looking forward to little gains, and occasional big ones.
With that sexy long hair
True. These days when I talk with people (whether in person or over the phone), talking to them feels very natural for me. It doesn’t feel like a separate event called “socializing”. More like am being myself to another person. I guess that’s connection like you said