Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about
DR St 2
I felt just slightly nervous starting this this morning, as my imagination was seeing St2 ripping up some normal supports in my life.
Now that I sat with that thought, I realized it’s connected to some trauma. And I’ve never identified one so easily. Seriously, I felt the feelings, and then realized the “support” i’m holding on to was actually a trauma memory (while not feeling overwhelm). I’m encouraged. Fire knows what he’s doing.
15 minutes in, I’m feeling lighter.
Listening to another loop now. 2 loops has worked for me, and I’m keeping it at that. I ran Ascension v.2 today on my phone, and I noticed some thought changes. I followed many connecting thoughts from running Ascension 2 years ago.
It started since I read a Medium email this weekend called “Are Americans Psychopaths?”, and it’s been on my mind. Essentially, a French journalist shared somewhat accurate descriptions of the current American mindset. She shared that we’re the only country who is still loud, proud, and quite brutal in how we treat people–and we think it’s normal. Other countries, having a much longer history of wins and losses, know people they live around shouldn’t be treated so inhumanely. I’ve linked the article.
It’s been on my mind since it’s a portrayal of people who are blind and ignorant of others around them, and it’s all motivated by money–either keeping it, growing it, or acquiring it. I’ve been wondering about my own mindset since I thought of where this is commonly pointed at (the rich), and I could do this myself. I’ve thought about Gates, the most influential one since he’s got money to persuade others, and I’m looking at myself, wondering “do I treat people like this? Do I want to treat others like this? Would I want to treat people like this?” Those thoughts checked me throughout the day.
I just re-read some of the article, and I remembered why it stuck me. She said,
“They are being as unemotional as they can. They are repressing all the feelings, and thoughts which might trigger feelings, because in American culture, those are considered bad, dangerous, difficult, threatening things.”
Doing DR is like having a life preserver to pull me out of the mindless and useless mentality of our culture. I realize the author could have gained her perspective from watching and reading any media source (cause they’re alway accurate–NOT), so it’s biased. But there’s a lot of truth in her basic assessment.
I don’t wish to live like that. For example, I’m a slower driver in general–because our work trucks and any common vehicle–are nothing more than potential weapons which can kill or maim people. I don’t wish to, want to, or desire to regret some stupid act because I was “late”, or “scared of the boss”. People matter. They always have. I wish to care for people, and being kind goes a lot, lot further than being cruel.
DR is influencing ME. I want what it’s producing. That’s my story of the day.
I don’t think Americans are psychopaths. A few maybe but not as a whole. I do think people from outside the United States have that perception and often justifiably so because of the complete lack of self awareness and delusional ignorance , self entitlement , and self absorption so often displayed by the loudest and irrational among us
I don’t even think it’s that. I think it’s more like how we’re portrayed in their media and culture. We do have a different national attitude than many other places, but I’ve talked to a lot of people from elsewhere who just have some ridiculous impressions of how things are here.
When you mention the focus on wealth and money I think they’re confusing greed and status with materialism. I had someone tell me today that he thinks my wife and I are very consumerist. I asked him what he was talking about? He’s the one that purchased two inflatable family size pools in August , purchased two new cell phones, a new television, a bowflex type machine off ebay , a used adjustable bed , among other things while my Wife and I have cheaper older smart phones and have a meal plan set in advance for almost two weeks based on a budget
It’s greed and status like I just said. No other country in the world has a presidential election that goes two to four years. The only thing stopping the United States from having universal health care is greed by both politicians and insurance companies.
I’m not quite sure what you mean by this.
We had an election back on November 3rd. Prior to that there was campaigning, rallies, primaries, and all the other not so fun stuff that lasts anywhere from two to three years before the actual election day. No other country in the world does this
Ah, gotcha. We definitely ARE different here, which is both good and bad. Every other country is different from every other country too. From what I understand, that didn’t used to happen here either. We are having some very contentious times which all countries go through.
Running a loop now
My first thought upon waking up was “I don’t feel nice”. I’m even hesitant to admit this.
I could have written a page in No More Mr. Nice Guy. Hiding stuff from myself has been a lifelong habit. Hiding it from everyone else was just a given. Right now I feel insecure since…I’m angry.
And I just realized I’m looking for old side roads so I can avoid taking responsibility for this. I wish I could be funny, cute, or creative to make me look “good” and solid. Nah. I don’t wanna go there.
I rhink the root of my anger is not feeling prepared for this. I could point fingers at others, yeah, but it’s all bullshit–to myself. I am fearful I’ll either break down in tears today, or possibly blow up on some unsuspecting soul. Either would be me expressing this fear of the unknown. Because another avoidance tactic is creating drama. I’ve done it.
Still listening to my loop. While doing St1, I still looked for old avoidance tactics. This morning, I feel like the wall I normally hold up to keep my lies protected…is being chipped away at. I’m unsure where I’m going, but it probably won’t be as bad as I imagine.
Why do you fear that? Or maybe a better way of putting that is, so what if you do? Verbally tearing into a stranger isn’t the best thing in the world, and certainly nothing to make a habit out of, but maybe showing yourself that you can cross that line and come back would do you some good.
I’ve been able to analyze my anger more. I’ll feel angry. Then I’ll sit down and analyze what caused it, as in what thinking in me caused it. I start to change my thinking and perception. Then when the situation happens again, I feel less angry.
1 loop played
I’m sensing a separation from old norms in my life. I listened to this change last night, so I didn’t write. I just let it in. No specifics other than I’ve fearfully been a follower my whole life, and something changed loudly in my thinking. I’m still letting it soak in.
I realized I was feeling and speaking about an old untouched fear born in young childhood. I was facing the possibility of uncovering it and allowing it to depressurize, and I felt panicked. Yesterday during my day I realized no adult logic would help that (my own or anybody else’s), and I relaxed. It just needed to be listened to. Thanks for offering another solution.
Yeah, it’s cool. I’ve felt in control of my anger lately, and it’s very different from times past. I’m allowing myself to feel it, but I’m neither afraid nor controlled by it. It’s just another feeling.
Nothing wrong in being a follower. Who can we lead if there aren’t any
However I think we all should still strive to be great leaders. And I’m sure at some point it will come naturally to you.
I remember reading your original journal. The change compared to that person is really impressive. Testament to your efforts to change for the better.
I came here–and suddenly got scared. My biggest struggle…is me considering being responsible with myself and my emotions. Seeking people to do that for me is how I’ve done it most of my life.
St2 has been working on something all day, but I’m not sure what it is. I’m unsure if it’s a single issue, or if it’s digging up a whole foundation in me, a foundation of fear. I wonder if it’s the latter.
I worked with the new female coworker today, the one who’s easy to talk with, and our honesty today led up to me sharing I was using a healing sub and it had been working on me all day. This came up after I realized I was being very hard on myself since she’d say something nice, and I had mixed reactions internally. One side of me was glad to be around her, and the other was critical and afraid. It seemed like the critical side just wanted to fuck up my relationship with her and keep her away, and that’s why I told her about the sub finally.
I told her I had felt vulnerable all day, I’d felt impulses to cry or share it, and I’d would quickly be hard on myself for thinking or feeling something. I shared that this had been messing up my normal communication with her all day. She understood that, saying most people hide that stuff from themselves all the time, and hiding it is normal for most people.
It was a good day to work with her since St2 was more active, and by talking with her I processed a lot. The biggest thing that I revealed came out in our last hour. While I was driving, I began shedding some tears for a moment while sharing about a movie I watched last weekend, and I let it happen. I cried for a few seconds, then moved on with what I was sharing. The movie stuck with me since it’s really relevant to my life. It’s a story of a young man taking personal responsibility in his life in order to be worthy of his grandfather’s large inheritance. I’m not an heir, but learning personal responsibility and applying it to the use of wealth touched me deeply, as I’m in that spot myself.
I’ve avoided personal responsibility, meaning I’ve distanced myself from feelings and related thoughts all my life. DR has me in a mixing bowl presently, and it’s still stirring.
I need some sleep. Did my 2nd loop this evening, my norm.
I’ve followed almost anybody to avoid responsibility of myself. DR has been pointing this out to me. One can only run so long, and DR must be showing me who I am and have tried to avoid. This issue hits deeper than most since it’s affected everything.
Listening to a loop now
I just pulled up the new instruction manual, scanned the table of contents, and saw “Journaling and Taking Action”. It immediately made me want to write, so I came here.
St2 has been uncomfortable for me lately, or rather the results. I’ve wanted to isolate more and just be alone. I made some candy with my sister last Sunday, and it had to set overnight. I could have gone and picked it up Monday, but I didn’t. I’ve not seen her all week. I’m sensing something about her I don’t enjoy, and I feel unprotected. At this moment, that feeling reflects old remembrances of giving myself away too easily.
And something is different in me. I just noticed this. I’m not afraid of her. I don’t feel equipped and confident to stand up for myself. This has been a dominant theme in my mind lately. I didn’t plan to write this. No plan at all.
Last night I ordered a St2 custom, and PCC is the 2nd core. Here it is:
Joie de Vivre
Dragon Reborn ST2 Core
Virtue Series: Hope
(these I’d already purchased for my original custom. I put them in)
Power Can Corrupt Q Core
Stop Porn and Masturbation
I wish to utilize this custom to address that long held belief of powerlessness around people. PCC, GLM, and Pride Unbroken will work with the rest to heal and counter old beliefs and reactions. I’ll consider making ST3 and St4 customs in time, likely using the same modules.
And I reached out to @COWolfe since he started DR with a custom. I was scared to share my desire for a custom, and he challenged my thinking. My reasons were not logical at all. I had an old fear of being bullied and harassed, which is also why I was quiet about it. This is not new. The roots are emotional and mental. (still feeling that fear and shedding tears while sharing that). I’ll leave this point since I’m thinking I need to defend myself here.
Going to my sister’s for Christmas.
I turned on PCCQ 30 minutes ago, and it’s affecting me. More specifically, I’m feeling more able to protect myself, and moreso like I have a right to. Those words do not come from past experience. No, my past experience has been quite the opposite of that. I feel stronger.
I came back to share something I did this last week, and I’ve not shared about it (fears of being harassed again). I’ve been reading the new instruction manual, and I read of and was reminded about journaling here. I’ve felt this internal lack of protection, so I’ve held off writing. I’ve thought some journals were more like FB posts, and I don’t do FB or post on any social media. What clicked in reading the instruction manual is my messages are for me primarily. Others comment and reply, but this is my life on subliminals I’m sharing. I’ll probably read this weeks from now and say “THAT was a change there!” So, I’m sharing a memorable truth.
It was either Monday or Tuesday of this week, I’ve had PCC v.1 on my phone, and I turned it on and looped it in my shirt pocket while working (ultrasonic). I felt better and more competent around others. Even unafraid.
What surfaced at the end of the day was powerful. It was not towards others, but towards myself. I felt this strong, bold “NO!” growing in me. I had gotten in my van to leave, and I sat there listening to my own mindset. I’ve always been the one in need of affirmation or validation around other men, and since some men were talking in the parking lot, I actually felt desires to join them. But this powerful, serious mindset said essentially “fuck NO! I don’t NEED them!”, which I’ve never felt before. It is very different from my norm, and a small part of me felt nervous. However, it was very real and very strong. It definitely got my attention. I went home, and even excitedly wondered “really?” This was a major impetus to make my St2 custom with PCC.
I look forward to my growth
hmmm… an intermission sought out by me.
While writing @JCast in another thread, my sister texted me asking if I wanted to join them for breakfast at a local restaurant. The instruction manual was on my mind, and following the instructions to take action, I quickly accepted. She picked me up, and her 19 yo daughter was with us. A nice meal, with my sister…being herself. Cussing in every sentence (loudly), like showing she’s proud to be obnoxious. I wasn’t comfortable. I never spoke up either; I detected some pain behind her show.
Knowing I sought out some maturity, I chose to give first when her daughter went to the bathroom. I asked simply “how are YOU doing?” She was mad since her boyfriend has been greatly isolating, and he did not participate in any regular Christmas affairs: no gifts bought, no seeking to help with meal prep…nothing at all. When her daughter returned, she broke off from that and tried to make it light for her daughter. It smelled of fear.
I’m home currently since I sought some alone time before coming for presents and dinner. I was feeling like a victim…but I never spoke up to her. I’d like her to be (wow–catch me here) responsible for her feelings. Damn, am I dealing with her stuff, or mine? Sounds like I’m wishing for her to lead so I’ll have someone to join (why the F would I write that?–it’s so self-incriminating) Well, that’s what I’ve done all my life. That’s been my norm. I expect her to change so I can let her lead me. This is embarassing to write…and it’s true. I’m expecting her to fill some role for me, and she’s not doing it.
“How can I change this in myself?” I ask myself.
I’ve tried anger towards others, both passive and aggressive ways. It was always fueled by fear. Doesn’t work.
I’ve tried not being myself. It doesn’t work–for anybody.
@RVconsultant might say “just be honest”. —seeing a connection here. I’m feeling that fear of her leaving me. Fear of abandonment (I’m glad I put Pride Unbroken in my custom). I’ve done the same thing with countless others. And I am the only one who can take care of me. I’ve gotten swallowed up in other’s avoidance tactics numerous times, and I’m wishing to do something that works. Avoidance is a game with myself, and it’s extremely fatiguing.
I’m just writing to process this stuff. How can I care for myself–and still be honest with others? I’ll realize something soon enough. And (wow), I’m thinking of possibilities already.
Things are still on my mind. I’ll come back if it crystalizes.
If you mean your sister, what would you miss? Based on what I’ve been reading over the past 2 months, she sounds difficult to get along with. The phrase walking on egg shells comes to mind.
If you are, what would you lose even if she did abandon you?