Again, I have been the one judging and criticizing her. She is difficult to get along with. She pulled me aside after returning to her house since I’d been emitting some bad vibes, we talked privately, and I carefully and honestly admitted what I wrote above. I had expectations of her, and she wasn’t doing as I wanted or expected her to. I realized this was harmful and demeaning to her, and sharing it took out the ill feelings. I’ve pointed at and blamed her repeatedly–and it’s for exactly what I’ve been doing myself.
It takes one to know one. I’ve been the difficult one to get along with too.
Fear of abandonment has been surfacing on St2, and it’s deeply rooted in early childhood. I was naming her since she’s the one female sibling I have, and I’ve been terrified of being abandoned, or worse, me abandoning her (again). There really is no logical adult answer for this since this didn’t come from an adult mindset. It was the child in me fearing the worst and looking for me to comfort him. I see this as good since I aired it here freely, and that feeling has not “owned” me.
I’ve been listening to my 2nd loop while writing. I feel a sense of hope, so that covers a lot of things not dealt with yet.