1 loop of my custom now; 1 DR tonight
I listened to my custom yesterday morning, listened to v.1 Regeneration all day in my pocket yesterday, and I feared me sabotaging my DR run, so I listened to DR one loop last night. I feel ok this morning. I actually miss DR.
I’m also writing since … really?.. maybe. DR has made me aware of something, and my quietness lately may have been it working on it. What I realized, and what I’ve feared doing more (especially today) is me being nothing more than a reactor.
When I’m scared, I tend to isolate. At work I do it mentally, and I hide it by mostly laughing and reacting to people’s jokes and conversations. But once their discussion ends, so does my reacting. I’m quiet.
What’s on my mind now? Thinking of my sister, and now my daughter. Feeling like our relationships are based on old resentments I’ve held. Not sure where to start rebuilding with my sister, and my daughter’s growing up. Feeling a bit melancholy this morning.
And what came up just now, an old feeling, is that I’m unloveable. Fuck.
Ok, I’m going to share my truth. I shared how I tend to react and copy people. I’ve been writing in online journals for years. My struggle is “some won’t like me being honest”. I question if I’m just too unwilling to see it, since some write on paper. Online journaling has been my paper the last 10 years.
And my outdated Chromebook just tried to reboot, losing my music player with my custom. I decided to put on DR. It’s working on stuff, and quickly.
I wanted to shout out to @raphael. I was reading his journal before writing here, and I read the discussion with @Malkuth about older authors, but specifically, how it appears older authors wrote differently, how they probably read a lot more vs. watching TV.
I’ve never thought of being a writer. Nah, I did in college. I just like to write, to share, to create. Creating something good builds me up. The fears have stifled me, and those fears have been in every part of life. And being honest again, I’m seeing how I’ve used these fears and life-stripping limits to keep me from entering the ring. I’m probably not alone, but I do that (DR is pointing this out to me. Truth wins)