SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal


#162

I admit I’m leaning to this perspective more and more. As difficult as DR is supposed to be, and as deep as it seems to be, I’m actually enjoying it. So I’m ditching Regeneration, which I’m convinced has been fatiguing me.


#163

I get irritable as fuck sometimes but for whatever reason it makes me want to run more loops to push through what is causing me to feel or react that way


#164

Thinking back now it feels like a major portion of being irritable is not just the script doing the work but also me feeling frustration with how much stupid unnecessary shit could have been avoided. I let myself be distracted by things that have zero intrinsic meaning or value. I allowed myself to let other people get to me instead of being indifferent or apathetic. Until I started running BLU , Regeneration , Elixir, and now Dragon Reborn I didn’t really grasp how inherently meaningless almost everything is. That we often attach meaning to something that doesn’t have any and doesn’t need it. It creates unnecessary mental and emotional clutter and wasted mental and emotional energy.


JCast Dragon Reborn Stage 1
#165

Now that you mention it, I’m noticing that there seems to be less emotional clutter and wasted energy since I’ve been listening to DR.


#166

Now alright

@subliminalguy

would you be willing to write a brief summary of how the past 16 days of DR has changed you?

If you are like @raphael @JCast and me, you may just find it quite enlightening.


#167

I came home an hour ago, began writing, but I deleted it. 59 hours doing intense labor this week has pissed me off. I’ll write something tomorrow, I’m not very rational. I just want to bitch.

The one thing I see DR doing in this is highlighting my need to assert myself. Me bitching is just me rehearsing old routines since I’m unsure where to go with this work scenario.


#168

I’ve noticed the same insight for myself.


#169

Gotta share this.

I’ve been watching emotional performances of AGT, The Voice, etc. on YT. I’ve been crying on and off watching them. I just had this realization.

Anger is only a cover to hide my sadness.

This week I felt I was possibly losing some autonomy within our company. I’ve tried, tried, and tried more to hang onto this, but this week I was overloaded by physical demands of my job, and I felt I was letting it go.

I only fight to keep it since (feeling sad now) I lost it when I was young. Autonomy is me making my own choices and growing with that freedom. But when younger, I gave up who I was to fit in and hopefully receive some love.

This week I felt like I was trading myself in again. I mentally put my company and superiors in a parent position and didn’t want to lose their love. I’ve wrestled with those feelings of vulnerability while wearing some angry tough-guy image at work (another shield), and it hasn’t worked. This week’s been hellish due to this.

Tears and fears rose while writing that. I think I touched something close to home. I’ve had trouble being honest with myself as the week’s rolled on.

–A DR prompted thought came up: What’s the other side of anger and fear look like?

It’s closer to the authenticity I saw in those performances. It’s called love, being tender, being honest, being real. That’s why I watched them. I didn’t want to feel alone.


#170

yes!! that’s the reall meaning of everything being meaningless! not some grand existential truth or not lol. Really like your selective apathy article btw.


#171

To quote one of my favorite bands

“The great truth is there isn’t one”


#172

RD St1
Day 17
First of 2 rest days

I’m drawn towards making a solution in the midst of this unknown. I have things to do today, but doing them with tools that don’t work nor inspire me, no. I DON’T WANT THAT.

Choosing to get off my ass to do things.

My motivation: I watched a clip from Fight Club that @JCast posted in an old thread, and I’m going to watch it when I’m back. Watching now is me rehearsing avoidance of issues. I want to be proud of myself!!

An angry post for me. Feels damn good.


#173

Just got back from shopping and being out amongst people. I had a good experience.

When I was leaving Wally world, I was crossing the crosswalk, and an attractive woman with her younger boyfriend (or son?) was coming opposite me. I looked at her feeling unafraid, so I kept eye contact. She returned it and kept hers too. From me, it wasn’t “I want sex!”. It was “I think you’re beautiful and I wanted to let you know”. This encouraged me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a stressless interaction with a beautiful woman.

I felt proud since I’ve been adamant in my own thinking about not being deceptive with people (not putting on fronts), and I wasn’t doing that. Being real works.

DR is working in me. I’m grateful.


#174

I’ve been feeling something I’ve felt afraid to admit to myself. It’s been a growing feeling, but even so, I’ve not identified it.

I’m listening to a loop of Elixer Ultima. It’s helping.


#175

Great news that you’re ok. People are horrible


#176

I realized what is surfacing. I’m getting this sense of need to start being more responsible for myself. I also realized why I was hiding it from myself.

All of my life I’ve used others around me (men AND women) to protect me. I’m no young kid. I’m 49, and I’ve lived my entire life this way. By doing this, I’ve held on to my own immaturity (thanks for the word @JCast).

I had trouble identifying it since I had 2 sides to it: the actual immature side (me), and the fearful side that would put on a fake smile to win approval and acceptance (not me). I’ve been wary of hiding behind this front, but dang, the truth was more shocking.

To summarize, I’ve never really accepted myself showing rampant immaturity and being carefree. I rejected this in myself countless times, and I’ve felt inadequate as a man. I just couldn’t be honest, so I thought. I disallowed it in myself, except when my daughter was born and raised. I found it easy and energizing to play with her. The kid in me just came out.

She’s 16 now. I’ve remained the same at the core. When she was around 8, I remember looking into the future thinking on this. I’ve seen parents so dependent on their young kids, and it suffocates the child’s freedom. I had an emotionally unavailable mother, and I felt responsible for her happiness. Like I could kill her or something by making mistakes (a kid’s thoughts). Knowing I was going this exact same road as my mom is a major reason I’ve focused on emotional healing so long.

And DR is helping me to step into this. I have no fricking clue how to do this–that was a dramatic statement. I’ll allow DR to open me up for this.

Note: I know others are doing more days on Stage 1. I’m going to do 30. I did more days on both Kahn and EOG, acclimated to both, but I didn’t move on. I’m going to Stage 2 at 30 days. I’ve not done the math yet. All I know is this is day 18


#177

This made me laugh out loud. I feel you brother.

Today is the first day of DR that I feel extremely irritable and also emotional. Especially after I had a video call with my wife and son who are still stuck in China.


#178


#179

My heart goes out to you. I wish I knew what to say


#180

Thank you. Although I hate you for making me actually cry a bit :wink:


#181

Your words helped me see something @JCast . I’ve not had fears of people specifically.

I’ve had stress and fears since I’ve wondered “Who will I be today?”

I’ve been the guy hiding behind a mask.
When talking with others, I feel and sense some honesty coming out, so I am the one who often departs first.
I’ve tried very hard to hide the real me.

That is why I’m stressed sometimes when out in public. Hiding myself when among others creates a lot of fear and pain in me.

DR is changing this in me. I’ve not been so willing to be honest. 3 years of healing subs show that.