The Road to Khan


#22

109.5 hrs

I’m going into this weekend with no plan to meet up with people. Why? Because I am not interested in meeting up with anyone right now. I don’t care—I’ve got my own things to do now. There’s two books I’m covering at the moment, one more esoteric and one more focused on common-sense type advice. I believe both these teachings are going to be useful in my life, should I integrate them into my daily routines. In addition, I’m looking to do more self-inquiry meditation and see if it will help me discover who “I” really am.

I noticed lately that I’m not that interested in seeing porn as much as before. Even when I do look at it, it doesn’t affect me as much; when it comes to externalities, though, it helps that I can utilize particular Sapien Medicine audios that counter the effects of that as I ultimately wind down this practice—I really feel I’m on that trajectory. Funny enough, before I started listening to this I willingly became a bit lax on doing NoFap/Semen Retention because of my efforts over the past few years and how I haven’t quite gotten to where I wanted to be by now and I thought I just needed a break from trying to do that, especially because (I said this earlier in the thread!)

I may be a bit obsessed with finding one single thing that can improve my life significantly.

However, it seems as if this audio is gently guiding me towards that…makes me wonder, how far would I go now if I were to take conscious action? The idea of having a 7-day streak occur on a social event in the near future is intriguing.


#23

111.75 hrs

Ahh, it’s a Saturday! Time to relax. I want to express my gratitude to @SaintSovereign and @Fire for creating ultrasonic subliminals. Increasingly, they have become a part of my daily routine. This is quite the change from when I started with initially using only the masked version. I do think they work. I even listen to them with my noise-canceling headphones (albeit at a lower volume), because of various advantages I see with it.

  • Can layer on other audios while it’s playing with no worry about loss in effectiveness (e.g. music, Sapien audios)
  • Can play it on speakers loudly without disturbing others
  • Can switch between headphones and speakers on my phone, maximizing the amount of time I can listen to the audio. There are many instances where I’d have to take off my headphones due to conversations, meetings, etc. But I can keep ultrasonic playing on my phone speakers!

#24

131.25 hrs

Change is afoot! This weekend was the stage for a few interesting developments:

  • The only people I met and interacted with since yesterday were my parents. I didn’t make any plans for otherwise. And guess what—for me, that is OKAY! This is notable because on previous weekends, I’d feel that I was missing something if I did not hang out with anyone. Not so this time; I instead focused on doing my own thing!
  • I gave two people a call—as part of a monthly routine I set up—and they appreciated it.
  • I continued to go through two books. I started 12 Rules For Life on Thursday and as of this writing, I’m halfway through the book. I have to say, it has some good insights! The other book in case anyone’s curious is Tufti the Priestess. I’ve been driven to turn what I learn from these books into action.
  • My attitude on NF is shifting a bit. There’s been a longstanding idea that “yea I know it’s better to do this, but it sucks and I don’t really want to do it.” However, I was excited to set up a new streak today and fortunately I’ve maintained it. Wish me luck as I continue it!

#25

144 hrs

I felt some type of lethargy earlier today. I had it from when I woke up through the early afternoon, though it did disappear here and there. It could be due to either the usual transition from weekends to weekdays or due to reconciliation. Nothing notable at work. Again, glad that there are ultrasonic subs because with their help I effortlessly got through my daily listening of 8.25 hours (8 hours and 15 minutes).

I opened up a bit more to one of my coworkers earlier today and it was easier to do so than before, though I will say that he’s closer to a friend than most coworkers. Even something like I’m going to be picking up archery this year may not have been said earlier, because of my secretiveness, which is part of my identity…or is it? I really question that and whether it is true now.


If the world you are seeing is not the world you want, therefore, it’s time to examine your values. It’s time to rid yourself of your current presuppositions. It’s time to let go. It might even be time to sacrifice what you love best, so that you can become who you might become, instead of staying who you are.


#26

Day 15

159 hrs

Two weeks ago, I would’ve expected to listen ~115 hours but the ultrasonic file has been incredibly helpful in being able to blow past the minimum. I’ve consistently listened above 8.25 hours per day over the last week—today, I’ve listened for 11 hours and counting!

Minor things here and there just come up throughout the workday which has me believe that there’s change happening behind the scenes:

  • There’s a slight pressure in my head from prolonged listening, although that is quickly rectified through hydration.
  • The team lead was definitely picking on me (albeit somewhat playfully) with his question as to what it would take for me to get to the meeting on time. I could sense it! He just asked me that. I will qualify that, though, that our team has had an ongoing habit of being late to our own meetings (himself included)!
  • I realized that other people’s uncertainties in my statements make me uncertain of myself. This is something to overcome. For example, during I meeting I made a suggestion to transition over a certain project and my coworker said “which project?” He had a confused look on his face. That, in turn, made me uncertain of whether what I was saying was right or whether it was okay for me to make the suggestion. Concomitantly came a nervous voice. Turns out, I was right—but that I’d get affected so easily by that wasn’t a good thing and I intend to overcome it. I realized stuff of this nature happens more often than I’d admit.
  • The inner machinations of my consciousness are revealing more questionable beliefs. For example, take my representation at events. I thought earlier today that when I went to my friend’s graduation, that made me valuable because it was just me and his family who were there to see him. But if, say, 4 other people were there, then my value would have been a fraction of what it would be in the former case. That is NOT the case! I declare.
  • Yesterday I planned out a fitness based experiment for March! I want to take massive action towards improving my fitness. Last year, I defeated obesity and this year I want to maintain that as well as build muscle!
  • I haven’t had much motivation to do my calling habit so far this week. In fact, I’ve been busy diving deep into 12 Rules for Life which is rather unexpected as I originally envisioned going through that book at a much slower pace. For reference, I read ~3/4 of the book in less than a week.

Finding my True North
#27

Day 16

172.25 hrs

It’s been a fairly productive day at work, which I’d consider uncommon for a Wednesday. I’d like this productivity to last!

  • I got lunch with another coworker today, and he once again said he had no friends. I somewhat pushed for him to join an event with me next week, but he wasn’t interested. I was going to try convincing him further—maybe I could be better friends with him?—but I then asked myself: If you’re trying to be friends with someone, are they good for you? Or are you just trying to rescue them? I realized I was just trying to rescue this guy and stopped that thread. That’s not to say he’s alright as I have already seen.
  • One female manager is slightly more friendly with me than usual, saying ‘Hi X’ whenever we cross paths in the building and is open to more conversation.
  • I had this feeling that some women were looking at me today, if only for a brief moment. Hmm…
  • I continue to not be so interested in calling people, though at the same time I decided that I’m gonna go to an event next week to meet people aligned on a certain interest.

If you bend everything totally, blindly, and willfully towards the attainment of a goal, and only that goal, you will never be able to discover if another goal would serve you, and the world better. It is this that you sacrifice if you do not tell the truth. If you tell the truth, your values transform as you progress. if you allow yourself to be informed by the reality manifesting itself, as you struggle forward, your notions of what is important will change. You will reorient yourself, sometimes gradually, and sometimes suddenly and radically.


#28

Day 17

183.5 hrs

At just 9 hours of listening today, this marks the lowest amount I’ve listened since day 7 (also 9.0 hours). That’s not to say that’s a low number. I was also a bit intentional with curbing usage to give my mind a bit of a break. I felt I needed that.

I’m also thinking that perhaps I should privately document somewhere some of my personal ambitions, particularly those that relate to or could be helped by this subliminal. As I’ve heard that this subliminal adapts to our goals, this may be impactful.

At a family friend’s house, while talking I realized that I was under a sort of mask. A mask which aimed to please people and to make myself be liked by people. I conceived the idea a while ago that I had developed a layer of behaviors that would allow me to connect with people better, but I got the feeling that this mask has not been helpful and in fact may have been constricting my self-expression and the development of my character itself.


#29

Day 19

191.75 hrs

For a long time, I’ve been in somewhat of a fight-or-flight mode. My mind appears to enjoy the idea that I’m in some conflict with a big bad enemy, even though there isn’t really such a thing right now. But as I’ve observed my idle thoughts, I see that my mind likes to make up a story that I have to overcome some big obstacle right now, and that right now I am not so well as I go through an ordeal. But it’s made up! Much ado about nothing!


#31

Day 20

210 hrs

Socially tired, stayed at home all day today. Some feelings came up in a conversation I had with a close friend. I wasn’t happy with the idea that if I stopped calling or reaching out to people, I’d just not hear from anyone for months. Though, I did question myself on that today, and what I can do to improve my situation. I’m more interested in developing my own interests now.

Surprisingly, I’ve become less interested in certain people since starting Khan. That’s just how Total Breakdown is, I suppose.


#32

Day 23

241.5 hrs

I’m approaching the 250-hour mark, which I set as the absolute lowest amount for a stage. However, I still there is much left to be broken down and so I’m really setting my goal to 500 hours. There’s a lot of BS that’s been coming up in my mind over the past few days, and I’m sure there’s more. I’m still a little burnt out socially, though I am rather productive in my work and personal interests.


#33

Day 24

263.25 hrs

Would you look at that! With 13.5 hours of listening tracked today, I’ve shot past 250 hours. Alas, that is just a guiding number and I already know that I want to break down more. I was quite intimidated to reach even that number when I first started, given that I thought that it would be difficult to reach even 8 hours a day. However, the ultrasonic has proven unbelievably useful in allowing me to accumulate hours while doing other activities.

There are a few things here and there over the past few days that I’ve noticed that I can and will improve upon. I may be a pushover in someways. Correcting those, I will do. I am already anticipating that the Total Programming phase (ST2) is going to go on longer than originally planned—and that’s okay because:

  • I truly do want to reprogram myself and change a lot. I’ve tried consciously changing some of these behaviors over the years. I have had results although I am not at my desired state yet. I say this while also aware of the fact that goalposts have been both refined and shifted as I’ve improved.
  • I’m not in a rush as I originally dedicated this entire year to 1 sub, now to the four stages
  • The current listening rate demonstrates that I can accumulate many hours in much less time than expected; at my current rate, I’ll reach 500 hrs of ST1 by the end of the month!

One change that I want to make right now is how I talk about fasting. You see, fasting has played a gigantic role in my life in recent history. I changed practically all my beliefs around food thanks to a combination of different kinds of fasting (especially intermittent fasting) in recent history; I don’t even perceive of hunger anymore, at least not in the way most people do. These changes led me last year to defeat the longstanding issue of obesity in my life. I have reaped many benefits from it. So sometimes I like to talk about fasting a lot. Do I need to with everyone, though? Get this:

In a discussion of the recent virus outbreak, I suggested that a solution to the problem may be to do a 3-day fast (which is known to reset the entire immune system). The coworkers next to me saw this mention coming and laughed before I mentioned the solution, and I did become aware at that moment that I do tend to bring up fasting a lot and it can be comical at times. Later that day these people did make a few jokes involving me and fasting. I recognize that it’s all in good fun, but it does make me think: do I need to continue to talk about IF, and do I need to do so with these people?

These are coworkers that I’ve known for a while, and they’ve heard about fasting from me for some time now. I’ve already shared most of my introductory/onboarding type content about fasting. Certainly, with both my visible results as well as the recent push of IF into the mainstream consciousness, I don’t feel the need to be secretive about it as I used to be. Still, I clearly know in my circle of people who is fasting-minded and who isn’t; take for contrast another friend, who lost 40 pounds after I got him to start doing OMAD. Bringing up fasting with my coworkers isn’t going to be particularly productive as I can see.

Perhaps the discussion of fasting may be moved elsewhere. There are other people I can talk with about fasting that’ll actually go somewhere—be it some closer friends or the fasting communities that I’m a part of (I even formed one that has multiplied in size since its creation, though it hasn’t been very active as of late).

Another possibility is that I could just drop it altogether, and I can just redirect my energy to other things. The practice itself is deeply ingrained which is great for me. As noted earlier, perhaps I’ve been trying to play the role of savior which could motivate some of these discussions. Or it could be that I’m just passionate about a topic that is admittedly somewhat of a niche!

What I want to do is clear: stop bringing it up at work, and be mindful of when I bring it up elsewhere (the latter part is mostly done). I already see that there are plenty of other things that I can redirect my thinking towards—Khan ST1 has given a lot to chew on. Some combination of things will have to replace fasting as a conversational point, I suppose!


#34

Day 25

273.25 hrs

The past doesn’t determine the future. That’s something that I’ve known of for a while, but I haven’t acted upon it as nearly as much as I should. Whether it comes to breaking bad habits or reestablishing my character, I’ve had troubles because of how things have been. If I slip on a habit on a given day, for example, I might give myself an excuse to binge-act out the non-habituated self for the rest of the day. But then I may come up with some excuse the next day, telling myself that I’ll start next week. Rinse and repeat. No longer. I’ll strive to not push off the future and make it a part of the now.


From Day 22
I know that socialization is a pragmatic goal. In my current state, I’ve been somewhat reclusive and at the same time comfortable being so. I don’t aim to swing towards a garrulous individuality but rather enable myself to benefit from that which a person with great social skills and a great social network has access too. Ultimately, though, it may be that understanding consciousness, experiencing the interconnectedness of all things and becoming comfortable with being is the ultimate goal. Of course, that could change as I do improve with the stages of Khan. Still, it’s interesting to note that these thoughts came up in my mind while listening to the first stage of what is aimed towards the social aspect.


#35

Shockingly apathetic right now. What’s the point of doing anything? Suddenly, the fact that most of the stuff I do outside of work has to do with self-improvement is coming to the forefront.


#36

Day 27

300 Hours

Just reached 300 hours! I really did not expect to reach 300 hours in under a month, but the ultrasonic’s got me covered. Today’s been a very revealing day because I opened up to a friend about wishing that he’d reach out more. That I revealed myself to the extent that I did today with my friend, as well as suggesting that he’d reach out more brought up some emotions and with it, some fears that I know I had to face. I will say, I had some rather unsavory feelings as a result of that conversation and the stuff I shared. However, it provided me self-insight as well as an advancement of my character. I strive to eradicate these fears.

There are some good things that came out of the conversation. For one, I made him more aware of his lack of tendency to reach out on his own. He just wasn’t aware (so he says)! In addition, I realized that I have an opportunity to lead by example in this space. But that’s just it—I have to lead, and that’s something I’ve been shying away from. Will I do it? Perhaps once I’m not so socially fatigued. Anyways, I’ll be getting lunch with my friend in a few days!


#37

That’s a great mantra - but exceptionally hard to follow


#38

Day 30

335.5 hrs

30 days since the start of this journey! Let’s take a brief look at some changes and things that have happened.

  • Logistics: As you can see, I’ve hit my 30-day minimum. I originally shot for 350 hours which is coming up soon. However, I’m currently goaling for 500 hours because I think I should really take the time to break down beliefs. I’m open to outside opinion if it can really be determined that I don’t need 500 hours. In addition, while I originally thought I’d be listening to 8.25 hours of the masked per day, I’ve consistently been above that minimum—mostly using the ultrasonic audio!
    • One of my main concerns when it comes to listening to the ultrasonic audio is, am I actually listening to anything? Are my speakers actually transmitting audio with real information? FYI, I listen via my iPhone/Mac speakers and my AirPods Pro and I would like reassurance that listening with these actually does something. With masked it’s clear that I’m hearing things, but the ultrasonic sometimes gives the illusion that nothing is happening!
  • When it comes to breakthroughs and realizations, I find myself itching to start with, “Lately, I haven’t observed too many major breakthroughs” before remembering that there’s a bunch of stuff I wrote above. There really is a benefit to journaling, it seems.
  • Currently acting less social than I would’ve expected to be acting 30 days ago. I’ve become a bit more apathetic about socializing—surprisingly—and drawn more inward towards myself. The recent virus pandemic leading to cancelled events only stacks on top of that. I see an opportunity here to do more conscious self-inquiry to go along with the breakdown of beliefs.

Permanent Results
#39

Day 37

428.75 hours

When it comes to listening to more of ST1, “I’m not really feeling it.” That’s my answer when I ask myself right now. “What’s the point now?” I may be getting that signal that it’s time to switch stages. Looks like I may stop at 450 hours!


#40

Day 38

440.25 hours

Just as I thought. I’m going to reach 450 hours by the end of Friday (AKA tomorrow). That’s perfect, since it’ll coincide with the end of the work week–I’ll witness reconciliation from ST2 starting on a weekend so there won’t be as many things that’ll get disrupted once I start ST2. I do think I got much of what I can from ST1 and now I need to do more programming.

For example, earlier today I was on the phone with my grandparents. My mom sprang this on me so it was a bit unexpected. I played out an old pattern where I’d essentially lock up and not say much to my grandparents. I’d essentially pause more and look at my mom to give me something to say. I overheard her later complaining to my dad about this :unamused:. Sure, I may not know their language as much (it’s a second language, not English). However, my sibling knows as much as I do yet he can talk more and freely when it comes to these surprise phone calls. Why is that? A little bit of thinking and I quickly deduce that the answer is a combination of a few things:

  • I am afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing (e.g. waiting too long for the response or to respond), primarily in front of my mom who’s usually nearby after she hands me the phone.
  • I got used to my mom giving me the things to say.
    I have been perpetuating this cycle with each phone call, I know it. The behavior exhibited in this situation is not generalizable to other conversations with other people (phone/in-person/etc.) so it doesn’t reflect on general social anxiety or something of that nature. So I have to break the cycle. I’m going to remember this the next time such a call occurs. And of course…

I am truly looking forward to Total Reprogramming changing—shiting, even—my entire belief system and personality in order to fit my ideal self.


#41

Day 39 (Khan ST1)

450 hours

Khan ST1 Is Done. Looking forward to ST2. Starting at noon tomorrow.


#42

How hollowed out do you feel? :grin: