To Shayul Ghul and Back


#41

DAY9(update)

Felt rather tired throughout the day. Took a couple of naps in between actually.

Was able to listen to 2 loops of DR ST1, and 1 loop of SanguineU.

During today’s meeting, I felt rather pissed off when my boss disregarded the report I submitted to him yesterday. Felt rather offended really. Simply because the data I looked at was not in any of our in-house databases, but found from external sources that I collected and computed. Although, I must say, looking at other perspectives, the data I presented does make our product look bad. But what can I do? Fudge the data?

Trying to remain calm is becoming an effort. Not sure if it’s reconciliation or not. But there have been a couple of instances wherein I found myself raising my voice at my kids today. But then, I really don’t like repeating myself, especially if my instructions were for their own good.


#42

Yes, kids love these instructions. :grin:

It is hard to be a good parent. To have our boundaries be broken again, and again, and again.
And when they finaly move out of the house we´re left in tears, heartbroken.


#43

Totally agree. I remember when I went off to college. My dad told me that my mom was bawling on the way home.


#44

DAY10(early update)

Listened to my night time stack while I slept last night. Although I think I slept straight, I feel that it was a restless type of sleep. Not sure if it’s the weather or because I went to bed a little past midnight, but I found it really hard to get out of bed this morning.

Just like yesterday, I found it hard to do my morning meditation. Aside from the difficulty of “concentrating”, one of my kids woke up crying. Decided to just stop meditating and start playing DR ST1 instead.

So now, my eyes feel tired, and am constantly squinting.


#45

DAY10(update)

Grudgingly worked on some office-related stuff. I must admit, I don’t like what I’m doing, I don’t like the higher-ups even more, and I don’t like the fact that I’m still stuck there. Some might tell me to just quit my job and look elsewhere, however, given the current conditions now, and the fact that most interviews I went to led nowhere (even ended up embarrassing me), I don’t really have much options. I have a family to feed, house and clothe. Being the sole breadwinner, it’s really on me to support them.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m carrying so much weight. Actually, I got pissed at my wife earlier because I was trying to explain to her all the costs for various things she wants to have done at home, and she ended up joking. Got peeved because I felt that she didn’t take it seriously.

Am envious of the others here who feel like they’re having breakthroughs with DR. I don’t know if it’s reconciliation or what, but I don’t feel any better. TBH, I just feel like I’m being pulled down even more.


#46

DAY11(early update)

Went to bed around midnight and played my night time stack. Woke up still tired and found it hard to get up. Not sure if it’s reconciliation or not.

Found it difficult to do my morning meditation today. And I’m starting to get a headache. Though it’s not much, I’m afraid that the headache would get worse as the day goes on.


#47

Dont stop persist you never know what will happen plus i feel you might be getting a breakthrough soon


#48

Thank you. I do hope so. Probably reconciliation, but I can’t help but compare what I’m experiencing against what everyone else is getting.


#49

DAY11(update)

So I played 2 loops of DR ST1 and 1 loop of SanguineU today.

Felt rather frustrated at my kid today. It was one of their monthly assessments and I knew that he was really having difficulty answering the questions. The fact that they were very simple questions (at least for me) made it even more frustrating. The issue is that he’s on the spectrum and reading looooonnnggg stuff bores him out, and having him write down his thoughts is even more challenging for him. And that was exactly what the assessment entailed. Reading a long passage and writing a 1 paragraph essay about the story.

It really took a lot out of me just to watch him. Made me worried about his future really. If he’s like this while he’s young, how can he survive once he’s an adult?

Decided to take a nap in the afternoon. Helped with my headache.

But then I had another boring meeting. It was more like my boss showing off what he did and what he wanted done. Not much about what we did or having our inputs much.

I’m starting to ask myself “Am I broken enough now? Do I need more punishment? Can I just hide in a hole until New Year’s?” Instead of working or studying or even something remotely productive, I feel this pull to just binge watching or reading novels, watching YouTube videos, or reading news items that make me even more depressed.


#50

Ah that’s tough. Maybe your kid has other gifts which the educational system isn’t showing. Am sure it will work out fine for him if you believe in him. Frustration is normal though. You want to be a good dad and that’s part of it. So that’s perfectly okay

Feel like doing this too on Dragon Fire. We can put it down to fiery reconciliation


#51

Fiery indeed my friend. So hot, it burns…


#52

DAY12(early update)

Played my night time playlist while I slept last night. However, for some reason, I found myself awake around 2:30. Not really sure why. Good thing I was able to go back to sleep right away.

Because one of my kids had an appointment this morning, I didn’t have time to do my morning meditation. But for some reason, I still feel somewhat calm today.

I was able to listen to 1 loop of DR ST1 prior to leaving the house for my kid’s appointment. Am currently listening to SanguineU.

Now for a little bit of good news. A couple of months ago, I submitted a proposal for a conference talk. I just received an email saying that the conference approved my proposal and have asked me to prepare a video presentation in 2 weeks. Although it’s a little short notice (if you ask me), I feel both excited and nervous. Excited because it’s going to be my first time to present (albeit virtually) and it was already one of my goals with my custom sub. Nervous because I have never presented to more than a handful of people. Although this conference isn’t a big name one where thousands of people normally attend, it’s still a conference. And for me, that’s a stepping stone.


#53

DAY12(update)

Felt so fucking lazy today. It’s like I’m trying to process everything going on, and instead of doing anything about it, I just decided to not do anything. Took a nap in the afternoon, instead of working on either office stuff, my video presentation, studying, or even my blog (I haven’t posted anything there for almost a month now).

Right now, I just finished watching the movie Extraction from Netflix, and am currently looking for another movie to watch. Like fuck! What’s up with that???


#54

DAY13(early update)

Played my nighttime stack while sleeping last night. Slept for about 6 hours and then the kids started making noise. Since wife wanted baby monitors in each room, I very well know what time each one wakes up.

Grudgingly stepped out of bed to prepare their food. Seriously, I feel like a kettle on a fire. Starting to boil. Not sure if it’s lack of sleep, reconciliation, or because my kids are misbehaving early in the morning.

Thing is, it’s so hard to get them up on school days. But on weekends, breaks and holidays they have an alarm of their own!

As I’m writing this entry, I can hear the wife gently snoring in our bed. Can’t say I blame her. Oh well. Might as well try to get some more rest.


#55

DAY13(update)

Laid down in bed for about an hour after my previous journal entry. Couldn’t really get back to sleep.

While laying down, a thought suddenly occurred to me. “Why can’t I focus on myself for once?” Being the eldest child in my family, I was taught to be selfless and put my siblings ahead of my needs. This went on until I started my own family. Now, I’m still putting others’ needs before my own, namely that of my wife and kids. My “me time” as my wife puts it, is not really relaxation, but either studying, working on my blog, working on my office projects, etc. Rarely have I spent time just “relaxing”.

That is, until I started DR. Now, I feel that I’ve been binge watching more, leisure reading more, etc. Recon? I don’t know really.

So my garage is a mess. Stuff all over the place. My wife finally convinced me to buy a shelf/rack so that we could at least find what we’re looking for easier. And this afternoon, it arrived. Spent about 30 minutes just trying to make room for the boxes the rack’s pieces arrived in. Then spent about 3 hours just trying to put it together. My power drill’s batteries ran out and I was forced to use my fingers. Being in a garage, there was no heat. And since I couldn’t hold the screws, nuts and bolts with gloves on, I was forced to do assemble it in the cold.

Thankfully, I was able to put it all together shortly before we put the kids to bed (took a few breaks and dinner while working on the rack). So tomorrow, comes the task of cleaning and rearranging the stuff in the garage.


#56

@d1gz

I took you up on your invitation to read your journal. I’m wondering how 1 loop of DR every other day would be for you.


#57

Not really sure what that would do. A maximum of 3 loops per day with rest days is already a “compromise” for me. I came from an old school of subliminal thought where more is better. Although Q is a whole different beast, this compromise is the best I can work on.


#58

DAY14(early update)

Wife let me sleep in today and got up at noon. Since it’s a rest day, I need to refrain from subs. But I still have a lot of stuff to do.


#59

I understand. I may have gone to that school too. I’ve come to the humble realization that with SC products, less can be more. I hate to admit it because it challenges a fundamental “truth” of working hard to get results. Or you get what you put into it. So to get more results, work harder? Put more into it? Perhaps, but listening to more and more loops hasn’t gotten me better results. It’s gotten me tired.


#60

Which is actually why, compared to my previous sub usage, a max of 3 loops is already way less than before. I don’t think I can go down any further. But thank you for the input.