To Shayul Ghul and Back


#101

Amen brother. And though I still feel lazy at times, I feel it’s just because a part of me is fighting it.


#102

DAY24(early update)

Although I feel that I slept straight last night, I still feel tired. And yet, as soon as my alarm rang, I instantly got up.

Shortly after morning meditation, I played 1 loop of DR ST1. Feel like, somehow, I’m going to have a productive day today.


#103

I’m not so sure I’m lazy as much as it’s just shit I don’t really want to do.


#104

DAY25(early update)

Was not able to update last night because I was in a phone conference with my boss late last night. Felt really frustrated that I couldn’t get some personal stuff done because of work issues. But when it rains, shit pours sometimes.

So going back to this morning. I woke up as soon as my alarm rang. Not particularly glad about it. Felt a bit sluggish getting up.

Did my morning meditation and the played 1 loop of DR ST1. Still feel tired. Maybe because of working last night. I don’t know. But at least, a part of me isn’t worrying too much about tasks that are piling up.


#105

Personally, not wanting to do stuff that needs to be done is still a form of laziness. But then again, it’s just my own definition of the term.

In any case, I agree. There’s some shit that needs to be done, but I either refuse or put it at the bottom of a to-do list that just keeps piling up.


#106

DAY25(update)

Not sure if I should mark today a success or not. I was able to post the updated report as per my manager’s approval. He also approved another set of reports I turned over, and we even discussed them during a meeting earlier. Met with my mentor for the conference presentation I am preparing and was able to modify the powerpoint presentation based on my mentor’s recommendations.

And even then, I still feel that it’s not enough. My demo isn’t ready. I haven’t even recorded the presentation proper. I have an interview tomorrow, that I’m starting to think I’m not that ready for. And to top it off, I’m starting to feel sleepy.

Somehow, a part of me feels that I can do more and be more. This is good.

Yet, another part of me feels tired right now. I don’t know.


#107

DAY26(early update)

Woke up on time. Still a bit sleepy, but feeling more meh than tired or groggy.

Did my morning meditation and then played 1 loop of DR ST1. Am currently playing LEU while also watching a tutorial video that may be useful for my technical interview later.


#108

DAY26(2nd update)

Just wanted to say that I’m 50/50 with the interview that just finished. I felt like a fighter with weak cardio. First round went well. I was able to answer all the questions quickly and accurately. I was able to describe a lot of points and things were going pretty well, I believe.

Then came the second round. Not really stumped when I heard and saw the question (this whole interview was a technical one so I had to read and write some code). I felt like I just ran out of gas and tried not to pass out.

By the 3rd round (a simple coding one), I felt like I was just trying to keep my legs up and not get TKO’d. I was able to hang in there and provide a fair answer (I guess), but I’m not really sure.

Funny thing though. Unlike my previous interviews, I didn’t really feel like a big fool. Right now, I just feel like a big weight has lifted so I can move on to my conference presentation and back to studying. Could it be that there’s some healing going on that makes me feel nonchalant about all this? “Que sera sera/what will be will be” keeps ringing in my head right now. One of the songs my dad used to sing when I was a kid.


#109

Mine did the same thing with that song.


#110

Dang! I suddenly feel so old pretending to be young.


#111

DAY26(another update)

I can just say “Wow”. In a span of an hour, I received an email from the HR of the company I interviewed for earlier today. It was to inform me that I was rejected.

There’s a couple of things going on in my head right now.

  1. So my technical interviewer automatically sent a rejection to HR? Interesting…
  2. Less things to think about…
  3. I now know where to focus on next…
  4. That was quick…

In either case, it’s still shocking when you get a response so quick. But at least I’m grateful that they even responded at all.


#112

DAY26(final update)

After doing a little work this afternoon, I spent the early evening playing with my wife and kids. Kids had fun, though I must admit, I wasn’t really in the mood for games. Although I at least tried to joke around with them. I just didn’t like sitting on the floor to play board games. I honestly preferred sitting on my comfy chair.

So after putting the kids to bed, I started to work on my presentation. After finally finishing the draft and script for the powerpoint, I decided to record it. I honestly thought it was going to be easy. But I kept messing up the words and such, that I had to redo it over and over again. Sad thing about it is that the video is only half of what I am going to submit. I still need to work on the demo portion.

Sadder still was that when I sent it over to my wife, she was laughing at my mannerisms and all that. So I’m thinking I might redo the video and record only the slide without any video of me.


#113

that sounds like it might just be family stuff. You know, unintentional reactions that people who are intimate and informal with you may do. Sometimes useful, sometimes not.

But maybe sleep and look at it in the light of a new day and see what you think, before deciding whether to not use it.

Whatever turns out to be the best, here’s sending you props and admiration for making this happen.


#114

I feel that I need to redo it. After listening to myself, I have to agree with my wife. For her, given that my talk is a bit technical, it’s already boring for non-technical people. My voice sometimes tend to drone and sound robotic. I guess it’s back to the old drawing board. Hopefully, tonight gets better.

Thanks. This means a lot.


#115

DAY27

Today was a rest day for me. There were times wherein I felt rather nonchalant, or I didn’t want to care. Even if my kids were already fighting each other, it’s like a part of me didn’t want to get involved. Like, if I did get involved, I’d end up getting angry, which may make things worse.

Thoughts on how to make my presentation better keep floating around my mind today. I’m not sure if I’m stressing out too much or not.

Wife bought a gingerbread Santa’s village kit. Kids had a blast making it. Though I had to keep an eye on one of them as the candy was rather inviting.

Not sure if I can update this journal again later or not. Will try to finish my videos before bed so that I can turn it in tomorrow.


#116

DAY27(update)

Honestly, this should be day28 early update. But since I haven’t slept yet, day27 it is.

I redid my powerpoint presentation video. Wife says it’s much better. However, when I was about to record my demo presentation, my system didn’t want to work right. So I had to reinstall some tools and retest and all that. Hopefully I can record it tomorrow quickly. I am too sleepy to even try working on it now.


#117

DAY28

To be honest, this should be day29. But since I have not slept since I woke up yesterday morning, I’ll consider this entry for day28.

So, even though I slept at 3am the other night, I still woke up at around 8 to prepare my kids’ breakfast. Then I went back to bed for another 2 hours. Today was both uneventful yet tiring. Kids being kids have been running around the house. With almost a year of not being anywhere, they have so much energy bursting out of them.

Miraculously, even though I lacked sleep, I was still able to function well and even help my wife with the chores, and even horse around with the kids. Must be the healing?

After the kids went to bed, I dove straight to the video. Was able to submit it just now. I’m not really glad because there’s so many errors from my speech, the audio quality, and even the demo. But that was the best I believe I could produce. So hopefully it gets approved.

TBH, even though I was fine a few minutes ago, I suddenly feel sleepy, and my eyes are starting to be blinking rapidly. Like they got tired all of a sudden. Somehow, I feel like all the adrenaline I had pumping earlier vanished shortly after realizing that I submitted my work.

Oh well… Que sera, sera…


#118

:muscle:t6::muscle:t2::muscle:


#119

DAY29

Woke up later than usual for a weekday. But given that the kids are on break, I didn’t need to wake up that early. Still feeling tired though.

Since the kids were already awake when I got up, I didn’t have the time nor the place to do my morning meditation. Kids’ noises can pass through walls! Given this, it’s very difficult to even try to center myself.

Woke up with this one thought “I wish I could be like Ryan Reynolds.” Not really sure why, although:

  1. He ain’t that bad looking.
  2. He’s adorable, and people love him.
  3. His company Maximum Effort resonates well with me. The words itself “maximum effort” feels like you have to give your all in what you do.
  4. It wouldn’t hurt if I was rich and famous too.

In any case. que sera sera…


#120

DAY30

Woke up to prepare my kids’ breakfast. This time of year, I just want to lie down and never have to get up.

Stayed up late last night for some well deserved “me-time”. So I think I’ll be groggy again today. May take a nap…