Ultima - is this thing on?


Apathy, it’s one one my middle names, yeah? I just don’t know if it’s working as intended for me. I don’t doubt the results of others.

There’s been no difference for me on zoom whether work related or external gathering.

Not getting reconciliation on it, just also not out enough to make a difference and perhaps not interested enough in attracting more attention. Will try and remedy Friday + the weekend (I have about 30 mins free today because of schedules)

But I’m also someone who leaves Tinder (having disabled all the others for the time being) to fill up to 100+, browses through the queue of people who’ve liked me, pares it down to people I might find interesting and then immediately shuts the app down because it’s covid :woman_shrugging:


Listened to one additional loop after nap yesterday on my Bose instead of the 650s. On my second proper loop of the morning before I go out to drop off the laundry and get a Starbucks fix. May walk somewhere for brunch this weekend. I sincerely miss the pancakes and mimosas from Chez Ma Tante, but that’s all the way in Greenpoint.

Will meditate before I leave.


Couldn’t that still be reconciliation even without healing?


Yeah like I’m wondering if my subconscious is like “nah, we good” for this one, “bring back the other stuff.”

Baby barista did keep making eye contact but there isn’t much to look at in a socially distanced Starbucks.

Went to the grocery to reup on butter, eggs, chicken and water since I had the cart from the laundry. It was early enough that it was just mostly frail, elderly women in the market.

Day laborers /construction peeps chilling on a stoop giving looks, that’s normal. Idk. When I go out again later maybe I can be less efficient about my walk and meander for testing purposes.


Did not get to go out after work as there was a storm.

Currently listening to first loop. I happened to read something that gave me a visceral disgusted reaction. Like there was something caught in my throat that I wanted to say so I said it out loud and the feeling dissipated.

I’ve always had these reactions to some people whether I’ve met them irl or not. Either I vibe with you or the exact opposite. Then everything else is a bunch of neutral until proven otherwise. Even just thinking about it again is giving me nausea, my face is screwed up as I type this out. It wasn’t even anything bad, just the combination raises my hackles.

Anyhoo I have another day full of meetings. Yesterday towards the end of the day:

  • got someone to do me a little favor for one of my work groups with undivided attention till it worked out properly
  • had someone say they “loved” me because I recognized something substantial they’d done work wise
  • got dm’d via zoom by a workquaintance in a shared meeting as I was one of the few on video. He had jokes

Again, these are hard to attribute to the sub because all three have happened before.


Yesterday was a right mess but still had gratitude and got my meditation in.

Had to be around for an after hours release so my sleep schedule got a little wonky. Extra meetings lasting extra long piled onto my day so I had no time to even leave the apartment.

The last dream I had before waking had two former bosses from two different companies and a couple of coworkers. We were in a place near my parents’ old apartment getting water ice. Which is not how they call it in ny, but it was on the makeshift sign on the wall. Also the place in reality only sells seafood, but whatever. I haven’t dreamed of the outside around their apartment in years.

One had to stop me from physically going after or saying something to the other. In the dream he mentioned that my job had been made unnecessary but all that meant was a placeholder where I could return one day. That hadn’t happened to me at either company. I quit the one the second was at after finding a new job bc he was a douche (and many more have quit after) and the first got acquired.


Yesterday I walked around a lot. Looks + turned heads seemed normal. Tuning out the “hey miss” also normal.

Mentioned a post from a gathering I go to yearly to someone who I thought might enjoy the virtual one this year. They said “we” should go next year (I mean I already have my spot reserved for next but I got the idea).

I got an orchid at Home Depot on a whim. Walked down 3rd avenue and peeped the mini P.F. Chang’s taking over what might have been a bubble tea place.

One block had all the covered sidewalk seating and my favorite local pizza shop run by the owners of a wine bar was open so I got some for later even though I wasn’t hungry.

Last night I marathon slept which I haven’t in a while. Dreams had an Indoor carnival/concert/event/maze where people started act rowdy and like fell on a poor dog in the “owners and pets” area breaking his front left leg. The owner yelled out and brandished a pretty substantial knife to ward others away.

fast forward to an empty triplex penthouse living/event space where I guess some of the bartenders would live on the lowest level. I was with someone planning out the layout.

Then a director I’d used to work with was chatting with me about the team /product I used to be on. She looked wistful as she said she’d hoped I was still working on it after I asked how it was going.

I haven’t slept this much this long since undergrad so whew. My day’s all thrown off but it’s of little consequence. Will start making lunch and listen to my first loop of ultima. I might walk downtown tonight for a change.