Vanno's Gaming Mastery X Journal


#62

You’re not alone. I’m still working on learning better self-care all the time (as are most people on this forum, and probably most people everywhere, for that matter).


#63

Great i feel the same lol one day good next day fd up…
Waiting eagerly for you examples


#64

Regeneration and Elixir make me face certain issues again that I think I’ve fixed, but in reality I just shoved them away temporarily.
If I stick through I’m able to find answers and solutions/gain understanding sooner or later. Whether the solutions work, is something I have to observe in the future.

Dealing with Identity Issues Part 2 Electric Boogaloo (and hopefully they are done so now)

29.9.2020
Since listening to regeneration and having come across some statements from my dad, I began having identity issues again. A weird social interaction on my way to college didn’t make it better (I experienced that while listening to regeneration). Questioning if I’m overthinking this topic. Internally conflicted intuition.
I can’t change my body and I also don’t wanna undergo surgery, I wanna appreciate the body that I was given instead, with the ability to walk, breathe, speak and most importantly play games haha.
When I reduce the body to its practicality and amazing things I can do with it, I feel gratitude and I shift away from my toxic worrying.
Maybe that’s the answer: zooming out from what I’ve learned, what people explained, what my parents talked me into etc., zoom out and gain an eagle’s perspective. An eagle flying above a bunch of boys, girls, women, men, transgender, whatever - from the eagle’s perspective - from many metres up in the sky - they all look almost the same, they are all just tiny moving dots. :eagle:

4.10.2020
Realization: My sexual orientation correlates with the way I perceive and express myself towards gender “stereotypes”. If I was clearly straight, I think I wouldn’t have that conflicted, uncomfortable feeling in certain social situations. This feeling was there in my last relationship, and in some instances too when I was dating someone. I couldn’t explain it, but now I understand. Deep in me I think I’m asexual, despite once in a long while having sexual urges, but them fading really quickly. In general I don’t have any desires to have sexual interactions nor a romantic relationship. Maybe that is also why I cannot relate to many journals here, because I just don’t share the same sexual orientation. I don’t want the stares from others, they make me uncomfortable. I don’t wanna attract any romantic/sexual partners, I feel the best when bonding with others on a friendship level than sexual/romantic intimacy.
Back than I believed my asexuality was just me being not ready, or me being immature, but after experiencing the same uncomfortable, conflicted feeling whenever I got sexually/romantically intimate with someone over the last ~5 years, this different sexual orientation became very reasonable for me.
Another theory is that I haven’t found anyone yet that synergizes well with my masculine and feminine pole, where I wouldn’t have to change into being someone else and where there wouldn’t be this uncomfortable feeling.
However, I hope I’ve dealt with this old topic enough for now.


#65

That confirms that regeneration works so deep…
In my case i used to get very annoyed with things,moody anger etc.
So from what i read it guides you to your faulta and traumas then you need fo find solutions to it.

I prefer khan st.1 lol


#66

Ups and Downs

30.9.2020
Coach just messaged me and asked me if i could play tomorrow in the higher division team, because one of the players can’t attend the official game.
I’m hella excited and happy that this opportunity was given to me!!! It’s as if my subs had an influence on that. I have respect of the enemy team, it’s div 1 after all, another league, BUT imma give my best to kick their asses! Increase my apm by 27271740!!!
Yeah, basically I got super hyped for once again, something that I needed being a bit too deep into college tasks, wanting a better balance between work and play.

1.10.2020
Subbing today for the higher division team was so fun!! Had done some quick planning in beforehand, a bit research on youtube (watching pro player vods but also a bit of content from good educational creators) and practice games plus 1v1s with others.
I did fine in the official series, im happy about the experience and the results.
It proves that i can still enjoy my gaming hobby and goals while going to college. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Feeling of being alive.
My mum stressed me again today and the day before complaining about me gaming (even if im doing fine at college right now), but I stayed calm, meditated and in the morning listened to elixir and 2x gmx.

Improvement of observation skills, eating way more than before, but barely any weight changes.

2.10
Mental breakdown.
Suicidal thoughts, anger, hatred towards self and certain others.
Lost in scrims with my original team, played terribly, couldn’t synergize well with team, not really having the additional energy+time to put into team-building, even if it’s important for the team, but I’m only a substitute so I don’t know if it’s worth. My individual skill in the game and college have higher prio for me right now.
I get distracted a lot, I remove distractions then sooner or later they may come back. I thought I was done with inner conflicts and believed I already defeated them (forgiving myself whenever I perform poorly, confidence and some anxiety problems), but apparently I haven’t.

Everything just fell apart with lots of college deadlines coming, people talking shit about me (it shouldn’t bother me, but it hurt a ton and idk how to solve this yet), them saying stuff that isn’t totally justified and my mother just being overly toxic lately, despite her seeing that I haven’t missed any day at college and that I also study at home. It feels unfair and I want to prove the critics wrong, but how if all those things that are happening can’t be dealt by my weak mental. Making me think I was born weak from the start, which is bullshit, I believe in being able to transform despite not having had the best upbringing. Nevertheless, it’s a battle between my learned good beliefs vs old (taught by negative people and experiences) toxic thoughts, I think this takes up a lot of energy and focus.

I cancelled some appointments with my friends, to create more free space for me to recover or I dont know, I seek a lot of alone-time naturally.
My friends offered me help and support but I’ve made lots of bad experiences talking about my shit. They aren’t professionals too, so I’m contemplating whether it’s worth to visit a therapist (it’s even free at my college), but I’m not sure if it will be a waste of time or if it will really benefit me.
I gotta push through, making the necessary changes and being disciplined with them, while preventing myself from getting sick.

5.10.2020
Decided to contact the psychologist of my college and to give it a try. Going to have an appointment this week.
Difficulties relaxing, and since that breakdown, my energy still seems to be recovering, as I’ve been feeling slightly sick physically.
I’m curious how my subs will affect this week, mentally I’m refreshed again to tackle this week’s challenges, probably thanks to me recently listening to Elixir + Regeneration after my two off days. :muscle:


#67

@pacman

Yep, it really works deep. I still have to observe its effects as I’ve only been running it for about 1-2 weeks.

I’ve read good things about Khan in the journals here, but I think it doesn’t resonate so much with what I want in life right now.


#68

R e g e n e r a t i o n . I s . W o r k i n g .

I think with time my observation skill and self-awareness have improved, so I notice it more nowadays compared to weeks ago. It’s like certain (minor) things in life are happening (they seem like unlucky coincidences) and then it all connects to a certain problem that is causing turbulence in myself. I don’t understand all of them yet and some “lessons” take a long amount of time for me to even identify.

Yesterday’s issue (7.10.2020)
(Not yet solved/understood) Again a weird social encounter in the city with a complete stranger… This time a really intentional, obvious stare. I became hella anxious, annoyed and uncomfortable. Like doesn’t my gesture tell others that I’m minding my own business? That I’m not really up for socializing and flirts? It feels like there’s more to those encounters happening, as I didn’t have those awkward and uncomfortable little moments that frequently before regeneration. As a side note, I wasn’t even in fancy clothes or anything, I was wearing the most basic clothes, nothing that stood out, additionally half my face was covered by my mask too. I only have theories so far about all that:
-> Don’t associate actual looks with attention/aura/attraction? (I would say I’m quite average attractive, not ugly but also not outstandingly handsome - beauty is subjective but I think you get my point.)
Learn to not care about a stranger’s opinion about you?
Judge less! Maybe the stranger actually thought I was some familiar person; maybe I am just making myself all anxious about some stupid misinterpretation of a situation.

Gonna add today’s experience later on. I’m really tired lately due to endlessly working on college tasks, need sleep.


#69

This is correct. Have noticed myself improving more and more in self awareness too. Even becoming more emotionally stable in situations when I previously used to feel anxious, irritated or angry.


#70

Regeneration is like a shield…deflects all negative issues and stops them from reaching you


#71

@pacman - Yup. And since it digs out the trash from us, we become the shield.


#72

Endlessly working on two projects for my college. I told myself to balance my life better once I get those done (deadline tomorrow :eyes:). College tasks just take up way too much time lately, I’ll schedule them more efficiently in the future.

8.10.2020 ~ Dreams; Control vs Acceptance/Flexibility
80% of the day was used to complete college tasks (my general workflow needs an upgrade), so I was in a rather low mood, thinking about the actual activities I wanna do. I like the tasks I have to do for college, but not if I have to spend whole days on them. Side note: I’m taking a break from GMX until I’m finished with those 2 projects… unfortunately I thought I would get them finished by yesterday, but I’m just way too slow.

While eating dinner my brother even remarked that I sound discouraging, when I told him that I don’t want to end up being old having forgotten my dream, due to all the focus on things that I don’t even need/want in the long-term.
We talked about how we are inspired by people who became successful despite swimming against the tide. It’s probably because our parents have completely different views on that, they want us to go the safe, mediocre route and live a life within the norm. However, since I was 14, when the internet made me discover that there’s more than just walking the standard path, I’ve been wanting to succeed in an area where I’m passionate, regardless of what my parents think. Unfortunately welp… I’m not there, I’m not even close or half-way and I have to listen to my parents on a regular basis complaining about me not having a degree/certificate (like bachelor, diploma etc) yet and not any kind of “result” that I could present them. On my good days I can cope with that, because I know I’ve gotten smarter compared to years ago.

Some minor incidence with my father got me thinking as he told me: “Changing of plans is normal and it is to be expected; that’s how life goes.” I can’t just sit there and accept what life throws at me, I highly disagree. I’ve become more flexible concerning sudden changes of planned stuff, but I just don’t like that attitude towards life. I want to have my life under control, but the sad reality is that I can’t really show and prove that right now. I’m very far away from what you can call “success”.

From all issues that regeneration brought up, this has made me way more emotional than all the others.


#73

Crisis, big problem

I just don’t know how to cope with today’s problem that is recurring over and over.

My dad called me on the phone and of course he was venting again, it was just complaining about me and my personality and way of life. I ended the call after a few minutes because I didn’t wanna listen to him shouting at me for several hours again. I DON’T HAVE THE TIME FOR THAT.
The real problem are the after effects though. I have problems focusing on the tasks I’m working on now and there’s just a big big distress in myself. I just wanna ignore him and focus on my life and all, but how do I stop letting other people affect my well-being and focus? This has been a problem of mine for a long time.


#74

I decided to play some games to practice my mechanics instead of pondering/overthinking and letting the bad emotions inflicted by my father get the better of me.

Feeling way more balanced again :blush:, fueled with confidence and ready to slay those college tasks! ( ‘-’)9


#75

Here is another crazy thing.

What is an ‘incredible inspiring dream’ for me is the ‘normal, safe, medicore status quo’ for someone else.

And what is ‘safe and mediocre’ for me, may be pushing the envelope and stepping outside of the comfort zone for someone else.

All of these values are relatively arbitrary and are derived from your own history, context, trajectory, and nature, rather than from the activity or phenomenon itself.

Not realizing this point is what sometimes leads people to feel ‘empty’ after attaining their dream situation. The specifics of the dream situation matter much less than the challenge one faces and overcomes to achieve it.

In the end, it’s not really about a fight (in most cases). It’s rather about recognizing your needs and your nature and arranging your life in such a way as to meet them. (I say ‘in most cases’ because some people are born to be boxers and lawyers, etc., and so, technically, their needs and nature do involve a ‘fight’. What I really mean is that finding your successful life does not have to be about a rebellion or a war with nature or with some actual or symbolic authority.)


#76

@Malkuth Damn, that’s true, it comes down to how you view those values. Everyone has their own path. I should judge less based on my history/own views, it’s a crucial flaw of mine, despite often trying to have that “outside/objective”/bigger picture view, but when filled with emotions, it’s difficult to keep that objectivity. Resulting in my mad urges to prove people wrong and stuff. I’m working on it.

Whenever I was going the route which aligned more with my parent’s ideal, it didn’t feel right and I kept thinking that I wasn’t living my own life anymore. So if I understood you correctly, it’s about finding your own individual nature and modifying your life in alignment to that, instead of using energy to “fight” vs nature/form of authority. I want to care less about other’s opinions against my nature, while still accepting it just as it is, due to their history, views etc. (Being a more accepting person.) My own nature goes a lot against what some ideologies/opinions…(even a few popular ones here) would suggest for me. It would drive me mad, because I just dislike having specific things in my dna that I was born with, because of some overall belief, that would limit myself in my own path. (With some exceptions, but there are numerous cases where people with terrible circumstances & disadvantageous DNA still achieved their dream) However instead of getting mad at some limiting contrary view, I rather wanna use that energy to focus on my own goals instead. Sometimes I try too hard understanding other’s views, that it causes a downwards spiral. On the other hand I need contrary views to expand my own mindset and to learn. Does that make sense? Sorry for my confusing writing style. :thinking::sweat_smile: Always appreciating your input! :muscle:


#77

Well, that made total sense to me. Perhaps we’re both confused? haha.

Yes, I think you pretty much got the point I was trying to make. Which is impressive because I’m not feeling particularly coherent all of the time either.

They say even a broken clock is correct twice a day. (We’re talking old school clocks here—stuck at one time—not the digital kind.)

Same is true with parents and others. Sometimes you’ll agree, sometimes not. That’s how you know you’re actually free.

If you have to do the opposite of everything I say, then I’m still controlling you. If you feel free to agree or disagree based on your independent judgment, then you’re being your own person. You’ll also be a lot less predictable and more interesting that way too.

Anyway, this is all just life stuff. Gets easier sometimes, but probably never completely goes away.

Stay strong!


#79

It’s update time! :hatching_chick:

Listening schedule I will try next week:

Mo - Th:
1x GMX in the morning before my gaming practice session
1x Executive afterwards in my break prior to my study session for college
1x Elixir while commuting to college
1x Regeneration on my commute back home

Fr - Sa:
1x GMX

Su:
Break from all subs

Taking action according to the sub really enables it, it’s why I’ve placed the subs like that. I will keep testing and optimizing things to find out what works best for me. Mixing up intensity is better than always sticking to the same listening schedule each day/week.
My main focus is on gmx, but I want the benefits from the other subs as well. Not planning to add any more subs for now (unless there’s some new sub that fits giga well to my goals). Due to all the variety of subs and not having much experience with executive, elixir and regeneration, I stick to only one loop and not more for this week.

[~4 months] Regarding gmx - it works way better when I listen to it BEFORE, not during my gaming session. It seems like multitasking whenever I run it, while in a game where I have to think about 3789 things within the game alone. However, it works when I’m only playing a casual, less intense game. I frequently have dreams that are about me doing something motoric/mechanically intensive (like piloting a certain machine, vehicle, fighting… etc) but also dreaming about specific scenarios in the video game. It’s like my mind is processing, developing that knowledge and skill while I’m sleeping. :hushed: Not to mention that my peak rank has never been that high before! It only went up a few divisions (almost a whole tier), but it’s progress for me, because I used to be stuck at the same skill level for about half a year. Now still being able to climb up, while sufficiently studying for college is poggers. (Zoomer language right there :joy:)

[~10 days] Executive is a sub that brings out my inner badass. I started trying it out in the last 1-2 weeks, but just once in a while. It’s true, it has made me more productive and makes me care less about what’s holding me back from doing the task.

[~20 days] Elixir + Regeneration are important for me because I’ve been struggling with health issues for years (mental and physical). The subs help me handle those issues by recognizing them and taking action. So far I’ve had one session at my college’s psychologist and tomorrow will be my 2nd one. I’ve become much much more concerned about my own diet (I believe gmx had an influence on that too, because my main motivation to improve my diet is to have better mental capacities for gaming. :sweat_smile:) The last time I was THAT concerned about my nutrition and willing to improve it was around 7 years ago! There’s still lots to heal and relapses happen, but I’m noticing the progress even more now that I look back.


#80

Have you tried LoL Wild Rift? :slight_smile:


#81

not yet! :open_mouth: is it already available?


#82

Just played hehehe :smile:

I think its still open beta. In Android, look for the game then register. Then its random who gets the invite :sweat_smile: