That resentment I mentioned shows that the type of reconciliation in currently experiencing isn’t a bad thing. DR lead me to think carefully about something that was deeply bothering me on a deep subconscious level and bring it to the surface where I can analyze and deal with it. I assume that it did something with it before bringing it to my attention because there was no real emotional distress.
On the Emperor side of things, I looked in the mirror today and noticed that I look well, Imperial. Hard to describe, but my body language and face said that I OWN the place. It was almost a bit arrogant, but considering all my nonverbal communication used to tell the world that I was lower than whale shit, I’ll take some haughtiness.
That made me laugh. Eloquent wording
Happy New Year to all. May 2021 be as awesome as 2020 was messed up, and may 12/31/21 see all of us much further down the road to the lives we truly want to live.
I’ve had less reconciliation today. Three loops of DE seems to be pushing me to the line, but not over it. The reconciliation I have been experiencing seems to be useful as well. I am not just having flashes of anger or negative thinking, but I seem to be able to step back and analyze them, and come to useful conclusions about why I have them, and what they mean. The last two insights I wrote about are good examples. The great thing is that as soon as I figured them out, they seem to stop bothering me.
I am assuming that them being vomited into my conscious mind in a coherent form is the last stage of whatever process that DR causes to deal with them.
I only got annoyed a couple of times today, and the emotion seemed to be at a much lower volume. My resentment of my wife didn’t seem to be apparent at all today.
The wife and I cooked dinner together, and it went well. That’s not normal. Usually when we try to do any task together she ends up trying to tell me what to do, and we both end up angry, This time, she did do that a couple of times, but it didn’t effect me. Both of us did better.
The wife made a couple of comments throughout the day which snidely referred to me acting arrogant lately. Well, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think that shes reacting to the changes in me. The new me acts a lot more self assured, confident, and high value than the old me did. I am also better at standing up for myself without anger. If someone saw those changes happen rapidly, then I probably would seem arrogant compared to the old me. Especially to someone who is used to being able to walk all over me when she wants.
I was listening to loop 3 of DE as 2020 ended and 2021 began. What a great way to start the new year on both a symbolic and practical level. This thing seems to be making me more sensitive to energy and whatnot because sometime during that minute, I felt a massive shift. It was like all of a sudden all the heavy bad stuff that had been building up got released or washed away and everything felt new. That has to be because it’s an important dividing line in the collective conscious.
My visualization skills have improved markedly on this title. I don’t know if DR has a bit of ME in it, but when I get these flashes from the past, I’m THERE for a second.
Not only did I get some past flashes tonight, but some interesting alternate history as well. I saw what would have happened if I’d just told #2 (mentioned above) that I was ok with the break up, and moved on. She’d have chased the hell out of me.? If I’d played my cards right, I could have had a little fun with her any time I’d wanted for the next three years as long as I’d kept the detachment. I couldn’t have had her permanently, but in hindsight, that’s a very good thing. I’m not sure how I know this is true, but I do. My observations of her for the next few years bear this out, but I’m sure that there is more than that going on.
As far as the observations go, #2 was a player. She wanted to be adored and desired by as many guys as possible. I guess for her ego or something. She’d do whatever was necessary to get you chasing. Unlike some girls who can do that without letting you actually letting you catch, she’d sleep with you, and sometimes actually start a relationship, then withdraw it and play games while you tried to get her back. She got quite cruel about it, like talking about her sexual exploits in front of her victim and whatnot. She was also trying to set up conflict between me and that other guy, I’m guessing because it would stroke her ego.
Now, several times, I saw her intended target be the first to break it off or just pull away. She absolutely could NOT handle that. She went NUTS and started following them around like a lost puppy doing anything and everything she could to please them. I now realize that thats so she could re set the hook because she couldn’t deal with not having the power.
That all just became totally clear in my head. I know that that’s a possible…call it…alternate timeline that could have come from me reacting the way I described a couple of posts ago.
Would I have done that? Probably not if I understood what I was doing. I’ve never been one to deliberately mess with someone’s emotions like that. On the other hand, would it be anything other than flipping her own script on her?
I’m really wondering what modules caused all of this.
- After I went through all of that mental stuff, my mind just feels clearer and lighter, and I’m suddenly in a very good mood. I must have dealt with something there, though I’m not exactly sure what.
Ive been feeling a little overloaded today since I woke up. Good thing this is an off day.
This is definitely getting something stirred up in the ol subconscious. I’ve been thinking about that alternate history experience from last night, and how I experienced it was as interesting as the content.
I was in what you’d maybe call a light trance state, fully alert but, well, kind of like very involved daydreaming. I get into that state sometimes when I’ve got a sub running or shortly after it finishes, and interesting mental stuff tends to happen while I’m there.
It all felt like memory. Like when you intensely relive a moment from your life, and you’re THERE for a second. The beginning of the first flash, that conversation with ex #2 actually happened. I got every detail of the room we were in, how she asked the question, everything. But, I reacted differently, and it was like I actually remember doing it that way. Then, I fully experienced another series of “memories” that never happened, but I am absolutely sure would have been the result of my answering that question differently and acting differently from that moment. I also got the general story of how things went down in my head like it actually did. Plus my assessment of #2’s personality and motivations hit me as sure knowledge.
I saw the situation with perfect crystal clarity for a little while.
Oddly, even though I acknowledge that the way I acted toward her in real life was pathetic (the word simp comes to mind) after this episode, I feel absolutely no shame or regret about it, and I had felt quite a bit in the past.
DR is amazing.
This sounds very much like what some people experience when doing Neville Goddard’s “Revision” technique sometimes.
A really good demonstration of it is in the movie “Frequency” after John’s actions prevent his dad from dying in the building fire in the past. He’s sitting in a diner a bit later, and suddenly is overwhelmed by a 2nd/new set of memories that start flooding his mind. So for a time, he has recall of both timelines.
I have a feeling that it’s something like that. It feels like I’m touching on something a lot more esoteric than psychological tricks sometimes.
- I think it’s important to get enough sleep while I’m on this one. My wife woke me up on three hours of sleep. I had a sinus headache which normally doesn’t put me in the best of moods, but I was also just in a bad mood. I still had that detachment that allowed me to manage it though.
I said I didn’t feel well and got a couple more hours in when she got back, but I still feel like I’ve got some mental stuff going on. I put my mind through a lot this week. I’m glad for the rest and processing days.
**Stage 1 Cycle 1 Week 3**
I had kind of a rough weekend. First off, I had to work on Friday, so I only got one day of. I’m working a lot, which is good because we need the money, but it does make me tired.
Second, I just kind of felt out of sorts a lot of both of my days off. It’s hard to put my finger on, I think I just lacked mental energy. That’s not surprising considering all of the very active stuff that happened in the last couple of days of last week.
I wasn’t expecting this run to be a walk in the park the whole time, there’s going to be recon and tiredness because I’m asking a lot of my mind.
My wife got critical as I was about to leave for work tonight, and I got angry enough that I started grinding my teeth. It wasn’t bad, but that’s not completely gone yet.
I have fully integrated the things that my mind revealed to me at the end of last week into my mind as fact. It’s just there now that #2 was just a game player, what happened with her doesn’t reflect on my worth at all, my reaction to it was a choice which I made because I was telling myself a faulty story, and if I’d made a different choice I’d have ended up as the one with the power in that situation.
The larger lesson there is that my emotional reactions are a choice, and by making those choices in a way that is to my advantage, I can have much more positive outcomes in my life.
It’s not so simple as be sad about this or not, the choice comes in what story I tell myself about any base set of facts. I am absolutely sure that if right when #2 broke up with me, I had told myself “She’s been playing you because she wanted male attention and wanted to stroke her own ego by having two guys competing for her and one moping after her” I’d not only have saved myself several years of pain and been able to have a much better life during that time, but she’d have chased me in order to keep the game going. That’s something I could have used to my ahem…advantage whenever I felt like it if I’d wanted to. I don’t know if I would have, but it’s better to be the one who has those options than the one who doesn’t. Not only would it have changed the dynamic with her, but I’d have had better confidence and results with women going forward.
DR seems to be giving me just a little separation from my story and the associated emotions so that I can make those choices. Amazing for just two weeks.
I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with my wife. As much as I complain about it, and make no mistake, it’s far from perfect, it’s dramatically better than it was a few years ago. She used to have me backed into a corner while screaming in my face over something trivial several times a week, snatch anything she didn’t want me paying attention to (usually my phone) out of my hand and throw it, and have no limits on the insults. Now, she’s still critical, but it’s a pale shadow of what it used to be. It’s quiet, doesn’t involve personal attacks, and she is pleasant much more than she is unpleasant. I guess my increased sense of value has translated into being treated better. It just took so long that it was hard to notice. She is showing me a lot more respect than she was, and acknowledging the sacrifice I’m making by working as much as I do.
Three loops a night is taking a toll, but it is also getting results, so I think I’ll stick with it for this week at least.
When I started tonight’s loop, I felt a very tight resistant feeling in my head, There is definitely something in the script that my subconscious doesn’t feel like executing, but that’ll pass.
Before I forget, I ordered Dragon Emperor stage 2 with some Christmas money. I’ve added Eye of the Storm and Journey’s Guide to the mix for that one.
I put in Eye of the Storm because one of the biggest problems I have had succeeding in life (aside from the root problem which is poor self image) is that I have difficulty breaking harmful and unproductive habits and forming good ones.
Journey’s Guide made the cut because I think it was created at my request, and there is a very good chance that I am going to be getting back into a line of work in which I’ll need to quickly find and get to a wide range of locations quickly. I’ve failed the OJT for this before because I couldn’t develop that ability quickly.
I start that on March 21, but got it while the getting was good.
When I ordered stage two, I screwed up. I copied and pasted the old DE into the modules area and forgot to change stage one to stage two. What struck me is how I reacted. In the past, my self talk would have started with “You stupid Fuck” and gotten less polite from there. Plus, I would have been embarrassed to contact anyone a d admit it.
There was no berating myself or embarrassment. I just messaged Saint who said he’d fix it and that was that.
Major lessons learned from DR so far;
Do not stay in the darkness because others refuse to climb out of it.
Don’t be controlled by guilt at other people’s pain that you did not cause.
Control your emotional reactions to events by controlling the story you tell yourself about them. Craft it to give yourself the most confidence possible and be most helpful moving forward.
Those are very strong and impactful insights. Congrats man.
I think most of these changes happened while I was on Dominus. They started further back than that though. It just now hit me how much better it’s gotten bit by bit.
This morning I took the fast way home. I’ve been taking the back way for quite some time because the fast way involves complex high speed highway merging and is quite busy at the time I’m going home. I had been telling myself that I was doing it to avoid annoyance or something, but the truth is, I was shying away from it due to a lack of confidence in my driving ability. I didn’t feel terrified of it or anything, I just came up with an excuse to avoid it because I was avoiding the mild anxiety and discomfort it caused.
I felt no discomfort doing it this morning.
with that, I’ve been thinking about other things in my life that I’d be better off doing but I’m avoiding because the thought of facing them causes me anxiety. There are a lot of them, and some of them are serious things that I would be much better off dealing with head on right now. Hell, I feel that little anxious urge to avoid even making a list of them. That probably means that I need to do that ASAP.
My appetite has increased since I’ve started DE. A lot. I am also drinking several times the amount of water I was before.
- I started a list of the things I shy away from because they cause me anxiety. Number one on the list was making a list of things I shy away from doing because they cause me anxiety.
Some of them are things that I really aught to be doing where if I did them, it might alleviate the anxiety anyway. Is that rational? No. There are a lot of things there and in my past where I let a situation get a lot worse than it had to because I was too afraid to look and see how bad it was.
How ironic. Keep up the great work!
I got some bad news today. My wife has been waiting for a decision on her disability for almost a year. This morning, we got word that they denied her.
This is bad. I don’t know how much longer this leaves us with only my income. We’re still dead in the water and the boat is leaking.
I didn’t freak out as much as I would have a while ago. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT happy. I did cuss a little, but very quickly, my attitude became “ok, I can handle this”.
I’ve been handling a state of financial crisis for three years, I can keep doing it.
Oddly, when I started playing my loops, I started feeling the stress come out. As anger of course, and directed at something else which I have absolutely no control over. I haven’t felt this pissed off in quite some time.
I was reading some other thread and I saw that somebody recommended a book called Adult Children of emotionally immature parents. I’m not normally one to pick up self help books like that, I tend more towards the practical. This time, my reaction was “Yep, that’s me.”.
I looked through the description and came on the four categories of emotionally immature parents. Holy Hanna, between my parents, I was subjected to all four growing up. I bought the book.
That and the bad news got me thinking about my life, and I had a big realization. I have worked myself into a life that in a lot of ways mirrors my life growing up. There is a constant crisis, I am the one responsible for making sure everything turns out ok because everyone around me can’t, I am criticized by those same people, and I will be blamed and blame myself if it goes wrong.
Of course I arrived here unconsciously. I suppose I sought it out because it’s what I’m used to.