- The stone in the chest feeling cleared sometime during the second loop. It was weird, I kept envisioning workers trying to pull it up with ropes and then try to blast it apart with explosives.
After that, I felt energy flowing past it up and down the center of my body. I could feel that it was flowing around the blockage as it was still there. So there was marked improvement, but it wasn’t perfect. Now, I’m halfway through loop 3 and the sensation of a blockage is gone, and I feel light again.
- A lot of my conscious attention is turning toward self improvement. I am currently reading that adult children of emotionally immature parents book at home, and just started listening to No More Mister Nice Guy at work. My work time is mostly idle and I used to fill it with entertainment to kill boredom, (other than listening to subs of course) but it’s really a golden opportunity to have eight to twelve hours to do things to help myself.
The beginning of both of those books really made me say “Damn, that’s me in a nutshell. There isn’t much space in here, how did I get into a nutshell anyway?
I woke up feeling pretty good today, and I think that I figured out why I have lost so much of my drive toward external goals. Two reasons. First off, I’ve become more focused on working on and improving myself for the time being. I’m actually getting excited about doing all of the things that I need to do in order to become a better, stronger person. I’m actually interested in healing myself for the sake of healing myself, not just getting a problem out of the way so I can achieve some external goal. It used to be that I wanted to get rid of my internal mental problems so I could have a good career, or make more money, ect. That’s because I was basing my sense of self worth on achieving those things. That seems to have gone by the wayside. It started while on Dominus, but it’s pretty complete now on DE.
Don’t get me wrong, I still want to accomplish things, but for right now, I’m quite content rebuilding myself as the man who can achieve them without a problem. I’m actually excited about reading the books and doing the things that’ll get me there. The time for external action will come, and I’ll be ready.
My wife is going to start using Paragon to see what it will do against her MS. She’s looking into getting her annual MRI before she starts to see if it has any effect on the lesions and dead spots in a year. I think I’m going to recommend that she start with one loop a day five days a week and see about working up. I will of course report on the results.
- The wife had a bad day today, and when she got home from taking the roommate to the hospital she noticed that the recycling can was full and proceeded to lay into me for not emptying it. It’s true that I hadn’t noticed, but I don’t usually notice that until I throw something in it. At one point she called me lazy. That struck me in a way that her verbal abuse hasn’t before. I don’t mean that it was worse, I just had a different emotional reaction to it. I didn’t really get angry. I didn’t start justifying or making excuses because I didn’t think I needed to. She had no right to go off on me over something so minor, and calling me lazy when I am the only one bringing in money showed an amazing amount of disrespect considering how much I do. I also realized that she was just doing it because she was frustrated and if it wasn’t that, she’d have found something else. She was using me as a verbal punching bag.
I think that the difference was that usually when she’s trying to tear me down, I feel like I’m struggling against an equal to defend my sense of self worth. This time I didn’t feel like that. I felt like I had just been unjustifiably disrespected by someone who had no standing to say what she said.
I laughed out loud and said I didn’t believe she’d said that “I do not get called lazy when I’m the only one in the house who has a job”. I didn’t raise my voice or even sound angry, but there was a force and authority in my voice that I’ve never heard before.
She was taken aback. She tried to stare me down but she broke off quickly. Then she tried to continue arguing, but it was half assed. I threw out a couple of SOM patterns spontaneously. One made me especially proud. She had been threatening to prevent me from getting to work, so I said “You know that would be drilling a hole in the lifeboat you’re stuck on”.
This felt really different than any previous incident of this type. This is the Emperor coming out.
She is continuing to try to “put me back in my place”, but I think she just realized that she won’t be able to this time.
I got chills just imaging this as being a could-hear-a-pin-drop moment
For her maybe. I would have been afraid she was going to rip my head off before. Not this time.
I’ve not used her inability to work or inability to do housework against her before because it isn’t her fault, but it’s really wrong for her to call me lazy under those circumstances. If she wants consideration she must give some. I’m done with it being a one way street.
That abuse sounds horrible and haha good comeback when she complained about the trash can. I am.a but curious how come she has an inability to work or do housework?
She has MS which has gotten bad enough that she can’t hold a job anymore, and she’s very limited in how much work she can do around the house.
Ah Hell, I was listening to No More Mister Nice Guy and it helped me realize a couple of things about my relationship.
Number one is the author said that if there is one unhealthy person in a relationship, without exception, there are two because healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy ones. My wife resists any attempt I make to improve my self esteem, confidence, and mental health because she subconsciously knows that if I put in the effort and became healthy, she will have to do the same or else the relationship will end. This terrifies her. I guess she thinks (subconsciously of course) that she can’t do it.
I got a text tirade from her a little while ago that said I was becoming arrogant, egotistical, demeaning, and a few other things because of the changes I’m trying to make.
Second, he said to figure out what old roles I was putting myself into in a relationship. Well, when she’s showing her bad side she has aspects of both of my parents, our relationship most closely resembles what I had with my father not my mother as one would expect.
Dad was verbally vicious to me on a daily basis, and had no control over his anger and no limits to what he would say when he was angry. However, he was so emotionally weak that I was worried that he would kill him self or something if I did anything to respond like remove myself from the situation or really go after one of his weak points verbally. This left me in a position where I had to sit and take it while showing the utmost consideration for the feelings of the person who was trying to destroy mine.
It’s the same with my wife. She has a disease which she uses as an excuse to vent her spleen on me with no control, but which also makes me concerned about how fighting back or getting out of the situation would destroy her. Weird how I found that kind of thing since I didn’t know she had MS.
I think the lesson here is don’t let guilt over the feelings of the person trying to hurt you stop you from standing up for yourself or getting away from the situation. That one may be easier for me to say than apply.
Book: Hold on to your NUTS by Wayne Levine
I read it a few years ago. Did I agree with everything he said? No. But I did think about a number of things in my own life, and made a few changes.
The wife just started her first loop of Paragon ten minutes ago and she’s snoring away as we speak. She was in severe pain from MS muscle stuff when she went to bed, so that says something. She didn’t want to move to put on headphones so we’re just playing it through the IPod speaker. I’m getting a sample too. I feel like the bed is subtly rocking back and forth. We’ll see how she (and I) feel in the morning, and she’ll get her first real run tomorrow night.
We had a talk about our argument last night and it was civil and productive, I think. She said that I’ve been acting very detached and I seem to be placing myself above her and the roommate. I must admit, she’s right. I had been seeing myself as above her lately. Emperor must be effecting me more than I thought. Things were better yesterday and today though. We even managed to cook a complex dish together without fighting at all. She didn’t act superioristic, and neither did I. Progress there.
- I broke my shoulder while on duty as a correctional officer a few years ago. I wish I could say I was doing something cool like single handedly quelling a riot, but I fell out of an ambulance. That has been hurting me lately. This morning, after listening to a single loop of Paragon with my wife, the pain and stiffness I went to bed with is gone. It’s still a little tender when I go near the limits of my range of motion, but vastly improved.
The wife reports that her pain was still there upon waking up, but improved some. She also slept very well.
I’m glad Paragon seems to be helping you both!
- My wife told me to stop “imperiously” looking down my nose at her. She was laughing when she said it, but she has noticed a difference in my bearing. Interesting choice of words.
Some how I think your wife is mellowing out, and treating you with more respect.
I think so, but historically, it’s run in cycles. She does get bad when I’m improving myself, but I may have gotten over the hill this time.
**Stage 1 Cycle 1 Week 5**
I woke up feeling pretty good after my days off. My anxiety level was especially low today, matter of fact, I didn’t even have any thoughts of the things that usually cause it today. I know that the situations still exist, but they never made it to the top of my mind.
It’s been consistently reducing since I started using subs consistently, but I’ve reached a new level with it.
The wife played Paragon through headphones last night before sleep. She said that she isn’t going to do that again because it requires her to lie on her back and she normally sleeps on her side. Lying on her back hurts her (ha fricking ha) so from now on she’s just going to play it through the iPod speaker. That’s OK, it did seem to have a strong effect on both of us that way the other night. She said that if she were able to roll onto her side, she’d have been out like a light in a couple of minutes again. She also complained of a sharp pain in her elbow, which is not normally a place where she has pain. It occurred during and after her loop.
I suggested that this might be where she has some kind of energy blockage, and she’s throwing an increased amount of energy past it to heal something. Her MS causes a lot of trouble with her hands. Maybe it’s trying to go there.
Yesterday I noticed that I had more energy than I am used to having. I had quite an active day running errands with the wife and kid. I felt a bit tired midway through, but I attributed that to being awake during the day when I’m used to sleeping. Then I had plenty of energy left to cook a fairly complex meal for everyone. I was in a pretty good mood all day too. My mind felt very clear and trouble free.
Another thing I noticed while cooking was that it was easier than I thought it was going to be. I was preparing two dishes with many steps in the recipes. Not that I wouldn’t have been capable of it before, but I used to have to double check many things during the process, and get confused and take a lot longer. This time, I remembered exactly what the recipes said the first time I read them, was confident that I was doing everything right, was able to time everything perfectly, and breezed through it all. Matter of fact, it was like that twice this weekend. My mind seems to be working better on a practical level.
The wife and I got along all weekend. She didn’t turn on me even when she was tired and distressed.
- OK, I’m on loop 3 and I’m getting hit with euphoria. I’m laughing a lot more at the hype thread for the new mystery sub than I should be. More than I normally laugh in a month. And making comments that I usually wouldn’t. This is the first time I’ve gotten the euphoria reaction on this one.
- I’m starting to get the urge to switch to stage two. I’m also going to assume that that’s my subconscious being tricksy. DR may be digging into things that the resistant parts of my subconscious really don’t want changed. I know that some say that that’s actually a sign to switch stages, but it can also be self sabotage and avoidance. I would have a hard time knowing the difference, so I made a plan and I’ll stick to the plan. I’m doing three times the recommended minimum per stage to make sure I get everything I can out of each.
There is a theory I heard of that people in relationships want things to remain the same, even when they say they want changes. So when someone starts to change, there is a type of rebellion that can happen.